A Different Kind of Christmas

As anyone who knows me even a little bit will tell you, the Christmas season is my favorite time of the year. I start preparing for it and celebrating at the beginning of October. It is usually a three month joy fest.

But this year was different. Very different. Simply put, the last couple of months have been hellish for me. I haven't written on this blog, because I have had nothing positive to say. I have just been trying to get through each day. I have been trying to process what I have been going through. I have been reminding myself to stay positive. (Massive fail on that, by the way). To be blunt, I've even been having a bit of a faith crisis. I. Am. A. Mess.

Listening to Christmas music didn't help. My annual Christmas countdown made it worse. And to be honest, Christmas shopping wasn't even an option because I was flat broke the last two months. My family agreed that we wouldn't exchange gifts this year, because it was just too stressful. That is a first. I hate what I have been going through. I hate what the majority of us have been going through.

So, I tried to work up the positive. I made an effort to focus on my blessings. I reminded myself that Christmas is not about gifts and music. It is about God with us. Emmanuel. I decided to remember the true meaning of Christmas. Only somehow I missed it. I read the Christmas story, I thanked God for my blessings; health, a job, my loved ones. And somehow, I missed Emmanuel. I didn't feel God with us, I just felt panicky and frustrated. I felt alone.

I have hit bottom. Again. I wonder how many times in life we hit bottom. It seems like it should only happen once. But like a rubber ball I hit and then bounce up, hit and bounce. Only right now I'm not bouncing, I am sitting on bottom. I have nothing to offer of myself. I feel stripped. I can not dredge up even a modicum of positivity. And even worse I am struggling with belief.

I have been fighting for faith, fighting to hang on to hope. I have been questioning what I believe. What do you do when you find yourself there? If I have believed something that isn't true, then my foundation is shattered and everything I think I know is a lie.

Here is something I do know. Faith is HARD! Faith is based on believing what you cannot see, what is not reasonable. Therefore in order to truly have faith you have to go against everything that looks/seems/feels true. If it has an easy explanation faith is not needed. Sometimes I think you have to be a little bit crazy to live by faith. You have to look at your life, your circumstances, the laws of earth and believe that you are not limited by what you have been taught is true. You have to believe that God is not limited by the rules by which our planet operates. Doesn't that sound like craziness to you? Well, it does to me.

You know what else I think? I think that you cannot trust your emotions if you want to pursue faith. If you truly want to live by faith you have to subject what you feel to what you believe. For instance, are you in a financial hurricane? Then emotionally you are probably stressed out, worried, short-tempered and panicky. But if you are trying to live by faith, then you have to trust that God has an answer for your situation and His Word is true. And God's Word says that He provides. Then you have to make a choice. Are you going to believe that God will honor His Word? Or are you going to believe how you feel? This has been a very hard thing for me, because I am a feelings-based person. Most of my decisions are based on how I feel about something, so to learn another way to operate is difficult. But it boils down to: do I trust God or do I trust my emotions? And honestly? I'm having a hard time trusting God right now. But I also know that I can't trust my emotions.

But here is the catch for me. If I cannot trust God then what? I would have a total system failure, because my whole live revolves around my faith. It is so much ingrained in me, that to separate me from my faith would be impossible. It would be like taking the breath from my body.

So back to square one. Either I can trust God or I can't. Either Emmanuel is with us or He isn't. This Christmas I couldn't see Him, I couldn't feel Him. I haven't received the answers to prayers I've been praying. In fact, I have seriously questioned my ability to hear God at all. It seems as if I have gotten it all wrong. Everything I held onto has been stripped from me and I feel as if I have been pared down until there is almost nothing left of me. I am exhausted and have done everything that I know or can think to do. And still I remain a mess. Perhaps that is my Christmas gift this year. Less of myself. Perhaps God wants me to see less of me and more of Him. I really don't know. I find the place I'm in right now very confusing.

But I can tell you this. Even though my life feels a bit like hell right now, and I have no evidence that it will change anytime soon, still I look to Him. Still I choose to believe as best as I am able. Still I subject my feelings to His promises. I'm just crazy like that.