Surrender

For too long I have fought surrender
I surrendered once and it cost me everything
even myself
and all that remained was black devastation.


So I built my walls of protection
and became solitary and isolated


You encamped around me
patiently waiting for an invitation within
which I denied You


You offered love and I rejected You
because love had desolated me
and I did not trust it


You asked for my surrender and I refused
because I had nothing left to give
and did not want to lose what little was left.


I became numb and hollow
but it offered the only safety I could receive


I thought You meant to ask for more
to take more
that I would sacrifice more
and lose more
goodness, joy, dreams, love, life
leaving me empty


But still You called from outside
Your patience and tenderness
breaching my fortress
asking to take
my pain, my tears, my loss, my grief
wanting to wrap Yourself around me
and absorb that which tormented me


So I start to see the surrender is Your mercy and not my terror

Tentatively, I take the first steps toward trust
opening the gates
asking You to be my shield, defense and Protector
Let Your love cover me
Turning ashes into beauty