Laying Down Life

This summer has been...interesting. God and I have been in a bit of a tussle. Not so much a me against Him tussle, but more of a wrestling with things we have been discussing between ourselves.

Everyone is pretty familiar with the verse, "Greater love has no man than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." It sounds so beautiful and it is so easy to say, "Ok God, I'm willing." But then we come to the hard part, what does that mean? To lay down your life? And if God really asked it of us, could we truly give it up?

I've been reading through Samuel. I'm in the first book still which tells the story of Saul and then goes into the story of the great biblical hero, David. But do you know whose story has grabbed my attention this time? Jonathan. I think he just might be my new favorite Bible person. His story has been completely overshadowed. I've been thinking about how he lived his life. His father was the first king of Israel and he should have been next in the line of succession, but instead he willingly gave up his right to the throne in favor of David. David! He befriended a little shepherd boy who had been chosen by God to be king in his place. Do you know Jonathan had God's favor too? In fact, before David came on the scene and killed Goliath, Jonathan took on the Philistines with just his armor-bearer and started killing Philistines, left and right until Saul decided to join him with his army. Before that, that particular battle with the Philistines had been at a standstill, with Israel and Philistia camped across from each other, neither willing to advance. Jonathan had common sense and character. Even though he befriended the boy who was to be king in his place, he still tried to honor his father Saul, who was trying to kill David. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Once David was annointed to be king, Saul went crazy, being tormented by evil spirits and chasing David around the wilderness for years trying to kill him. He even tried to kill Jonathan his own son. And yet Jonathan honored him. We don't know much else about Jonathan's life other then where it intersected with Saul's and David's. Eventually, Jonathan was killed in battle. Saul made stupid choices and took himself and his sons into a battle that got them killed. And then Saul commmitted suicide.

I'm just amazed by Jonathan's life. We all want to do great things. We all want to be someone important. Nobody chooses as a life goal to be the "behind-the-scenes" person. You know the one that does the work, who takes care of the small details, the one who supports the decision maker so that they can take all the credit? And yet Jonathan was a "behind the scenes" person. He laid down his life, the right to the throne. He chose to love the person who would be king instead of him, he chose to obey and honor his crazy father. He rode into battle with his father and got himself killed. And yet we go on and on about David. The big hero, the guy after God's own heart. Yes, David was admirable, but seriously have you read his whole story? The guy had issues! Anyway, I've been thinking about how Jonathan could have felt. How I would have felt in his shoes. Would I have laid it all down? Would I have been willing to give up a throne? Would I have been willing to be a minor character in the main story? Would I have handled it with the humility and integrity that he did?

So that brings me back to laying down my life. How willing am I? It is so easy during prayer, or a moving moment to make that promise. We say, "yes, God, whatever you want, I'll give it all" and then He asks us for some small thing and we act shocked and all of a sudden we are not so willing. Well God and I have been tussling. I asked some questions and He gave me some answers. And they were hard answers. But it is up to me to decide if I'm going to follow God's plan or not. Am I willing? Can I lay down my life? Can I lay down that thing which I love most? Can I put into His hands and walk away without that thing which has largely formed my identity, that thing which I willingly wrapped my whole life around? Can I give it up without knowing if I will ever get it back? Can I walk away an empty slate, fresh for God to write my true identity on? I have chosen yes. Now I am waiting on God's answer of how to do that. I will be moving forward one day at a time with no plan for the next month, the next week or even the next day. I am leaping blindly and I trust, no actually I'm not there yet, I hope that He catches me. I have to be honest. I am more than a tad bit scared. What if it doesn't work out the way I think it should? Do I trust God enough to believe His plan is the best. What if I lose for good the life I am giving up? What if I realize what I built my life around was false? That the thing I love the most was never real? Will I be able to let go? What if people think I'm downright bonkers? Right now I have numerous questions, but not many answers. All I know is that blind faith and laying down your life is even harder than it sounds and downright petrifying. But I am determined to follow Him no matter what the cost.

So...here goes..