Letters to God #3

When you use words like glory and fire, majesty and hope. Freedom.
When you use phrases like "grace in the wilderness", "a wall of fire around them, glory in their midst", "deep calls unto deep".

You know just how to speak to me, how to arrest my attention. How can I not hear the music of your words when you string them together like so many warm and lustrous pearls?

You speak my language, the language of my heart. It is a language beyond mere letters grouped together for coherence. It is a language that sings, it thrums through my veins, it soars and I fly with it.

This is my music. With it's own cadence and a beat that matches my heart beating in time with Yours. I hear a whole symphony in only five little letters. Sometimes there is a still silence in the music created by a whole phrase.

Sometimes that music of words is light and delicate, soothing and awe inspiring like a ballet. Other times it thunders through my bones like percussion beats of a tympany drum. Occasionally it is a playful staccato and I can hear Your laugh in there somewhere.

Some say love takes just one look. I say all it takes is a word. One word from You and I am lost and found in the space of a single breath. That word springs alive and breathes in me. You created the world through words and I am created by the Breath of God. Your very breath. In and out. A marriage of power and substance. Both reside within this body of dust.

Hope.
Glory.
Love.
Heir.
And I am an heir with an inheritance of what I love best, of what seeps out of my pores. An heir of words.

Oh You know exactly how to make me swoon.

Letters to God #2

Well, I suppose You heard me say it. I know You already knew what I was thinking. But I said it. Out loud. So that I could hear it. And everyone else heard me say it too.

Sometimes following You makes me feel like a "donkey chasing after a carrot." Inside I was seething. I heard You tell us all to seek You, to follow after You with our whole hearts. And this command coming after You gave me a picture of how You love me. And another picture of me soaring, flying. A picture of freedom. Then I plummeted back down to earth with the reminder to seek you with my whole heart. I sat there with my insides roiling and my heart hurting. I sat there feeling frustrated. When is it enough? When is it ever enough? Will I never measure up? I felt condemned. I am trying. I am doing my best to go after you with all of my heart. I am doing everything I know to do. And what I don't know, I am asking for You to fill in. I. Am. Trying. And I am exhausted.

Why do I constantly fall short? Like now matter how much I try and even how much I grow, I'm never any closer to attaining.

And where are You? It seems as if You have been rather silent lately. I am doing my best to learn, to grow, to love, to obey, to please. I know my efforts aren't enough. But then You ask for more. More?? But I'm exhausted. I have nothing left to give You. Nothing left to give anyone. I am stripped. And still I follow. Still I chase that carrot. That carrot of promises You have given us, that carrot of things I know You have personally told me. That carrot of promised rest, promised victory, promised end to troubles, promised freedom from the things that weigh me down. Do you know what? I don't even like carrots! Maybe if you dangled some ice cream in front of me I would be more motivated, maybe I would catch a second wind. Also, in this analogy, I am a donkey. I suppose that makes me an ass. And sometimes I feel like I am.
I have questions. I need help. You and I both know that I can't do any of this on my own. You and I both know how weak I am. You and I both know the ugliness and darkness just waiting to stage a coup and take me over.

I don't like this picture I've been forming of You lately. This isn't the God I've always known. This isn't the God You claim to be. I know that You aren't capricious, playing games with me, changing Your mind or Your plan on a whim. I know that You aren't silent, that You don't set me up to fail. Yet this is how I've been thinking about You lately. It could just be that I am projecting. Putting my personal experiences from my relationships with people I love who claimed to love me onto You. Just because they weren't reliable and dependable doesn't mean You aren't. Just because they let me down, even betrayed me doesn't mean You will. Just because they didn't keep their promises doesn't mean You won't. Just because they didn't meet my need to be known and love doesn't mean You can't. So then, where are You? When will Your promises, Your word come true, be true? Why can't I hear You?

How long, God? You gave me hope. But that hope has dwindled the longer I wait. It would be a cruel God who made promises, who birthed hope, and then didn't follow through. You said hope deferred makes the heart sick. Well, my heart is getting sick. The longer I wait, the harder it is to believe. The harder I try to get close to You, the further away I feel. One foot in front of another. Onward Christian soldier. I feel as if I've never been further from You in my life. Don't You know I need You? Don't You know without You I am nothing? Don't You know that the only goodness in me is You?

I know the standard answers. But those answers aren't working for me right now. I realize I don't really have the answers. But You do. So again I ask. When will these promises be fulfilled? How long will it take? Why can't I hear You? What is my purpose? Who am I? Who are You? Will I ever get there? Can You please help me? Please?

Letters to God #1

There is something beautiful about light. I've noticed in recent years how much I really love watching how light can change and enhance something mundane into something sacredly beautiful.

In the last two days You sent snow to my home state. Home of my heart. And I've watched the light hit the snow and the ice coating the trees. I've watched how the light sparkles on the trees at mid day like a diamond necklace coating your creation. I've noticed how a time of day that usually occurs with little notice from me becomes an achingly gorgeous blue-gray twilight when a brilliant white coats everything in purity.

It occurs to me how much You love beautiful things. I must have inherited that from You. Although I usually settle for cheap beauty like a pair of shoes that catches my eye. But then I realize how much of my life carries Your artist touch that turns ordinary into extraordinary. Friends who are there through thick and thin, closer than a brother. Family who know me inside and out and still think I'm something special. A bouquet of wildflowers, a freshly mown field of hay, the way barren trees turn into black lace at sunset in the dark winter months, an unexpected smile. You have given me joy for even the small things. That light that creates the beauty in my life carries me through the dark of personal struggles. That light is my focal point, that light illuminates the little delights that You have hidden in plain view like my own personal treasure hunt.

I find it ironic that looking straight at a light with my natural eyes creates a sort of temporary blindness and yet looking at Light with my spiritual eyes cures the blindness of my heart.

It reminds me of the verse,
"The Heavens declare the glory of God and the firmament shows His handiwork. " Psalm 19:1 or even

Psalm 8:4-5 "What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You visit him? For you have made him a little lower than the angels, and you have crowned him with glory and honor."

I ponder these things and find myself lost in wonder. What is man? What am I? We are the jewel of Your creation, the crowning piece of all your artwork. It awes me that of all the beauy that You created You look at me and find me most beautiful, even when I see myself as the most ugly. And yet. You look through the lens of love, through the truth of an obsession of epic proportions. Your voice is truth and light. Your view of me as your best creation is the only one that matters. And just like us? (Or are we really just like You?)You put your best art on display and shine Your light on it, so that the rest of the world can see what You see.

It blows me away that you care enough to adorn even your smaller pieces of  creation art with beauty. How much more can I expect You to lavish me with Your beauty. To encompass me with Your light. When I see Your smaller, everyday artwork clothed with grace I think how much You must love us. When I see myself through the eyes of Your heart, radiant and crowned with Your honor and glory? I know it.

Writing Letters to God

I have decided to do something new to me on this blog. From time to time my blog entries will be composed like a letter to God. So I will be writing like I am speaking directly to Him.

I don't really have parameters set for how these letters will sound or look. They may be long or short. They may be serious or silly. My writing has always been my way of processing the world around me, of understanding God. It is always about Him, about how His truth defines my life. I write for Him anyway. I am always pleased when someone else reads or responds to my words. But my audience is One. He is the reason.

So I thought, why not make if more personal? When I have questions, when I receive answers, when I lack understanding or hope, when I finally "get it", why not write it all out as an ongoing conversation with God?

I'm not sure if this will be a long term practice or just a temporary one. I'm hoping to make it long term, a practice that becomes habit. But we will see. One day at a time.

Life as a Song

A very good friend of mine sent me an encouraging email this week. She suggested that I read Psam 42. So I have. I've read it every day for the past three days. It is interesting how you can read the same scripture more than once and each time come away with a new revelation of it. I suppose that is why it is called the Living Word.

So last night as I was reading through I came across this verse;
"The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, And in the night His song shall be with me - A prayer to the God of my life." V.8

As I was pondering on this verse it brought to mind another verse where God sings;
Zeph 3:17 "The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Over the course of the last year one of my consistent prayers has been for identity. I realized that the way I saw myself was inaccurate, that the way I had allowed others to define my identity for me was wrong. I didn't know who I was, didn't know myself at all. But where else does one go to learn who you are? The only one I knew to ask was God. He is my Creator, who knows me better than Him? Who loves me better than He? I wanted to see myself through His eyes, through eyes that love me with a passion.  And not only did I want to learn my identity, but I wanted to be known. To be seen.

So, here I was thinking about the idea that just maybe God has a song for me. A song that was mine alone.

One of my favorite movies is The Holiday. In the movie two women swap homes during Christmas in an effort to get away from the familiar and make a change in their lives. I don't have the time to go into all the reasons why this is such a fabulous movie. But there is a particular scene in the movie that I love. The character of Iris has befriended Miles, who is a song composer for movies. He is playing a song that he has composed for a mutual friend of theirs. She remarks that the song sounds just like their friend. Miles responds that he has also written a song that sounds like her and then plays it for her. And you can see it in her face how much it moves her. The idea that someone "saw" her and understood her well enough to compose a song that sounded like her. Every time I watch that scene I sigh. How wonderful would it be to be seen and known that well.

In fact, my sisters and I were discussing it over Christmas. If we were music, what would we sound like. Of course, being the know it all oldest sister I immediately picked songs for them. And we laughed about  my perception of how I thought they might sound. We've also picked out our own ghetto theme songs, which really cracks us up.

When I was a young girl my dad used to make up songs for me that he would sing as he rocked me. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to have a dad who sung songs that were mine (and my sisters) alone.

I've even heard a song that I have literally thought to myself, "If God was set to music, that is exactly what I believe He would sound like."

Do you know the conclusion I came to last night as my mind wandered all these paths? I believe that God does have a song just for us. A song that is ours alone. A song that He created to describe our life as music. Just like Miles composed a song for Iris that was unique to her alone, God has done the same for us. Talk about re-defining one's identity. Wouldn't it be wonderful to hear what God knows we sound like? Perhaps with an angel choir singing backup? I want to hear my song, my life as music. I want to understand myself and value myself the way that God does. Just like I want to see myself the way God sees me, I now also want to hear the song that is my life the way that He hears it. So I am adding that to my nightly prayer request. As the Psalm says, in the night let Your song be with me.

Word of the Year

I'm not sure who's genius idea it was to substitute New Year's resolutions with a word for the year but I really love it. I have never made a New Year's resolution in my life, because let's face it; I'm not really going to follow through.

But the concept of choosing a word to meditate on for a year? That I can do! I adore words and think of them almost as living breathing entities. I love the way a well turned phrase can sound like art to my ears. Honestly, this practice of meditating on a word was something I was already doing anyway, just not on purpose. So, it definitely appeals to me to ad this practice to my life by conscious choice.

As you know from my last blog, I had been in a low place. I wasn't even sure about choosing a word for this year. I was feeling morose and lazy about it. But I gave it a little thought anyway. And wonder of wonders, I came up with my word for 2011.

PURPOSE.

I've done a short preliminary study on this word already, even though I plan to do a more in depth evaluation of this word and it's applications to my life.

Here are a couple of definitions of purpose: the reason something exists or is done, an intended or desired result, determination and resoluteness, practical result, effect or advantage. To set as an aim or intention, to resolve to do something.

I like the fact that this word is both a noun and a verb. I've been praying for most of my life that God will reveal His purpose for me. This is one of things that I grew discouraged about the last couple of months, because I still have no clue what the heck I'm supposed to be doing with my life and I would like to get on with it already!!. So part of my focus on the word purpose is to continue to seek God for an answer to this question. In fact, I intend to hound God about it this year. I'm going to harass Him about it until He answers. I don't think He will mind. He does say to ask and to seek. Well, I'm going to take Him up on that. Not only do I want to know my purpose, but I want to learn how I can fit into the purposes of God in my family and community. I want to fit myself into His plan not just for my life, but for the lives of others. I suppose that sounds like a tall order, but I have a year to practice on it.

I also am fascinated by the idea of purpose as a resolve (to do something). I want to be a person who is resolved, determined and resolute this year. I want to focus on the important things and be resolved that no matter what happens my vision will not waver. I want to be resolute, to stand firm. I want to be built on the Rock and come hell or high water I. Will. Not. Be. Moved. I am going to hold on to the promises of God like a dog with a bone. I want to be determined to choose God, to choose to believe God no matter what kind of storm is raging around me. To be resolute means to choose. It is a choice to stand strong, a choice to keep going forward toward your goal. One thing I have learned in the last year is the power of choice. I have learned that we ALWAYS have a choice and that when we make the right choices we empower ourselves and God to work on our behalf.

I also want to learn to live each day with purpose. Not just to have a life purpose, but to know what is God's purpose for me today? How am I spending my time, money, energy and is it being expended toward God's daily puposes. Or am I wasting the things God has given me?

Did you know that the Bible has 14 different words for purpose? There are 8 different Hebrew words in the Old Testament that define purpose and 6 Greek words in the New Testament. Did you know that one of the biblical definitions of purpose is pleasure, desire, delight, acceptable, delightsome, pleasant and willingly? I like that definition of purpose and want to learn more about it.

So it is out with the old (So long 2010!) and in with the new (Hello 2011). And it really does feel like a clean slate, a fresh start. I plan on taking advantage of this fresh start with purpose. How about you?