Small Moments

I had another one of those "a-ha" moments while listening to Christmas music last week. I guarantee you I get the most and some of my best epiphanies while listening to Christmas music; one of the reasons I love it so much.

I was listening to my new Barlowgirl cd (love them!) and they were singing a song (it's actually on my page right now) they had written regarding the birth of Jesus from Mary's perspective. And it dawned on me. The birth of Jesus was a small moment. Of course, it wasn't a small moment from a historical perspective looking back thousands of years. I mean everyone knows the Christmas story whether they believe it or not. It's a pretty famous story. And it wasn't a small moment from Heaven's perspective. But think of it. That night a baby, Jesus, the son of God was born and who even knew it? The shepherds knew because the angels broke into cheerful rejoicing and the wisemen knew it because God sent them on a journey thanks to a star. But did they know at that moment what they were hearing and following? Probably not. The only people who could even guess at the significance were Mary and Joseph who were camped out with a bunch of animals. Two people on all of earth were the only ones aware of one of the most significant, amazing, world-changing events ever to happen. We know it now, but yet that night it was simply a small moment with no hint of recognition of what was to come.

I got to thinking. How many of us live small moments every day? How many of us despise those small moments? I don't know about you but I had great dreams growing up of changing the world and doing big, great, recognizable things. I think a lot of people feel the same way. Yet, most of us don't live big, obvious lives. We lead normal lives. And somehow we feel like our lives don't matter if we don't have those "big" moments. We feel insignificant. Thoreau once said (I think it was him) "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." For how many of us does that desperation spring from wanting to make a difference and make our lives count? And yet, if the birth of Jesus can come about in a small moment, then think about how much the small moments in our lives can count! Holding the door for someone laden with packages, paying for a stranger's coffee, smiling at those whose path we cross throughout the day, a compliment, being there. Sometimes just being present is the smallest yet biggest thing we can do. I can tell you what others being present has done for me.

When I was in high school I was seriously depressed. I even had a couple of suicidal moments. I had a friend for just a short period of time who was present during those moments. If not for him being present and answering my phone call one night I might not be here. He never even knew either. I didn't tell him, but knowing I had one friend I could call made a difference. When Vinson and I lived in New Hampshire we had a good group of friends. If not for their support and encouragement during a really rough time for us, we might not be married today. We never really even talked about marriage, but their presence, their friendship made a difference. What if those living quietly desperate lives had someone who was simply present, who acted as a friend, or did a kind deed as a stranger?

I wonder what small moments that we live that we aren't even aware of turn out to make the big difference? I have been learning that daily life matters, how we live it, what we do with it etc. Many times those small moments make a greater difference than the big moments. Anyone can/could have a big moment, but small moments carry a great responsibility because they come out of how we live, not what we do in one big moment. Do we live with integrity, are we paying attention to the needs of those around us, are we looking for simple opportunities, how do we respond to criticism, cruelty, and opposition? Small moments come out of who we are. Small moments often go unrecognized by those who give them, but not by those who receive them. I have to remind myself that small moments, daily life, are what make my life matter, even if I never see the results. Someday when we get to Heaven and God shows us the full picture of our lives I think that most of us will be surprised to see that in those small moments we really made a big difference. So thanks to those of you who gave me some of your small moments and here is to all of us remembering that our lives, lived out daily in routine, in everyday tasks, are hugely significant and truly matter big.

A Convicted Murderer

I am convicted. I have been a murderer.

Let me preface this blog by saying what I share here is not a reflection on anyone or anything other than myself. I have been to some pretty dark and terrible places and most of the time I took myself there, sometimes by choice.

The other day I was listening to a cd about the power of words. The speaker was talking about our voices and what they actually transmit. It seems that someone has created the technology to map your voice. I won't get into the details, but it was pretty fascinating. Not only do our words carry power, but our voices do as well. The Bible has a LOT to say about words, it speaks of how we bless and curse our own lives with what comes out of our mouths. We have the power to choose and speak good or to destroy. It talks about the tongue being impossible to tame and many other things. I guess I ought to know because I've read/studied most of these verses. I've needed to with my big mouth. Do you know that verse in Psalms about hiding God's Word in your heart, so that we might not sin against God? Well, some piece of the Bible I had hidden in my heart came back to bite me....hard. I was sitting there listening to this cd about our voice and the power of words and all of a sudden I was reminded of the verse that says, when you hate your brother, you hold murder in your heart. (My paraphrase and don't ask me what verse that is from, b/c I'm drawing a blank)

Oh. My. God. That verse pinned me down like a worm on a fish hook. Those words alone convicted me. I was reminded of some things. Mainly, I thought about my husband. There was a time in the first years of our marriage, when I literally wished ill on him. Not out loud, but in my heart. I was so unhappy, miserable and had just plain given up. I hated my life and I hated being married. But I knew divorce was out of the question. So that left one other option. In order for me to not be married one of us needed to...cease to exist. Most days I didn't really care one way or another if it was me or him. But there were a couple of times when I dreamed up some pretty terrible accident scenarios. God forgive me.

But not only was I convicted for those dark places in my mind and heart where I literally held death, but I was also convicted for all the times when I chose curses with my tongue, when I destroyed instead of creating a safe place, when I spewed hate and anger instead of love and forgiveness, when I killed dreams instead of giving them wings. I murdered with my mouth. I sat there in my car and cried. I thought of all the times when I blamed my husband when in reality it was me all along who nurtured anger. I thought of the times when he shared his heart with me, his dreams for our life and all I could do was nail his feet down to solid earth instead of letting him fly. I thought of all those times when we argued about something and I lashed out at him with my tongue saying horrible hateful things. I thought about the death and destruction I brought on myself and my husband, who I love, and I mourned for the unknown losses I have caused. I thought long and hard about how different our life today might be if I had chosen to not only bite my tongue, but to choose to speak good things. I asked God to forgive me, I asked Him to heal the wounds and the damage I had/have caused, I asked Him to have mercy and to restore that which I had broken and destroyed with my own words. And we (God and I) didn't stop there. He also pointed out to me a couple of other specific situations and people that I had wreaked havoc on with my tongue. And I cried some more. But then He forgave me. And I asked God to help me choose life from now on.

Hello, my name is Brittaney and I was a convicted murderer, but now I am forgiven and I choose life