Butterfly Years

My mom tells a story that when I was three I came home from preschool one day saying over and over,  "Met-a-morph-a-sis, met-a-morph-a-sis", accentuating the syllables just like that. Apparently my preschool teacher had explained the process a caterpillar goes through to become a butterfly. If it wasn't yet clear up to that point in my life that I am a words person, my reaction probably solidified it  for good.

I've never been one of those people who like "cutesy" symbols. I don't draw or accent anything with hearts, flowers, stars, butterflies etc. Don't even get me started on heart shaped jewelry. It makes me want to gag everytime I see one of those commercials on tv. And while I like butterflies in a vague nature-appreciating way, I've never really given them much attention.

But that has changed in the last couple of years.

I've pretty much turned my life upside down (or perhaps it was God doing the turning and I just thought it was me) the last two years. If you look at what my life was two years ago, today you could find nothing at all to resemble my current life. It wasn't a planned type of thing. I made one decision and it had a domino effect.

When all this change began, it looked alot like chaos and turmoil. It was scary, very scary. It made me feel insecure and unstable. I was completely overwhelmed. As I began to reach out to friends and family and also seek out help and ministry, a picture began to emerge.

Over and over, people who knew me well and people who didn't know me all that well would say that God had given them a picture of me, particular to this phase of my life. Can you guess what it was? A butterfly.

Although I thought that was vaguely nice, it didn't mean much to me. So I began to do a little research on butterflies. Do you know what I found out? When a caterpillar weaves itself into a cocoon, it isn't just growing wings in there. The caterpillar itself actually liquifies, almost like the cocoon slowly digests it. It dies a painful death. And somehow once that process is complete a butterfly is formed. Then once the butterfly begins to break out of the cocoon, it's wings are wet. It can't fly right away because it's wings are too weak. The butterfly has to "flex" it's wings as it sits outside the cocoon, slowly building strength. If someone tried to help a butterfly fly before it's wings were strong enough, it would die. The other thing I found extremely interesting is that once a butterfly can fly, do you know how it knows where to fly, i.e. it's direction? It orients itself by the sun.

All I can say, is apparently God knew what he was talking about when He gave all those people pictures of me as a butterfly. I have died a painful death. I have walked through the process of dying to self, dying to dreams, dying to wants and desires, dying to what was familiar. I have felt like I was being slowly liquefied, all the previous life squeezed out of me. I have questioned myself, God and everything I know and believe. I have cried and prayed and thrown temper tantrums.

But do you know what? I have finally emerged from my chrysalis. The death part of my metamorphasis is over. The wing strengthening part of my metamorphasis is ending. I am ready to fly. My circumstances are still not quite what I want. My life is not yet where I want it to be. But the most important change is complete and that is the one inside me. The outside appearances of my life don't affect me all that much. Because I am changed. I am free. I feel so full of joy that I could burst with it. I have strengthened my wings and am orienting myself by the Son. I am so in love with life right now that I do not know how to contain it. And I am stronger for dying. I am resurrected into a new life.

I LOVE to read. I have actually named certain parts of my life like one would name a chapter. My previous chapters are titled:
Bliss: The early years
Rollercoaster
The Lost Years

I am ready to name this new/current chapter of my life; The Butterfly Years. Something inside of me has always known and yearned to fly. Now I can.

Spring

In honor of Spring, this is a reposting of an earlier blog I wrote.

Oh how I've missed you...
white fluffy clouds of Bradford Pear blossoms
the forsythia bursting golden sunshiney yellow
Redbud dressed in soft, velvety, pink petals
bright pink azaleas explode like grounded fireworks, lasting slightly longer
hardy daffodils and the gracious yet imperious iris
your sweet fragrances carried along by the breeze as my soul soars along side
long, cold, dreary, colorless days give way to soft, lingering light and
Color from God's best palette
Relief, hope resurrected along with seeds lain dormant, thought dead
then when least expected new green pokes through unveiling a season's work underground
Temperatures mellow in contrast to my mood of joy
various notes of birdsong filter through, adding layer to the fragrance, the silky breeze, the velvet light
Spring, long hoped for friend, end to to death, you carry life with you, making the world bearable and more beautiful. A reminder of His promises. Proof to Resurrection.
Oh, how I've missed you...