Letters to God #29

I had no idea
It caught me completely unaware
I laid down in the silence to pray and give thanks
But the next thing I knew I was crying
Failure and grief building up until I erupted
And it didn't relent
The pressure expanded
until I felt crushed and breathless

Then I felt it...
Something inside me clawing to get out
Like a wild animal buried alive
I could feel the sharp edges scraping inside
until I wanted to take my own hands
and tear my self open
just to let it out
to relieve the pain
I felt the panic and fear
the desperation of wanting to be free
and nothing could soothe it
I called Your name over and over
until the panic subsided
but the weight remained

I cried out for deliverance
until I heard Your voice telling me to die
So I crawled up on the Cross
breathing out surrender
willing myself to submit to the end


I will remain in this silent darkness
waiting for resurrection
my hope in You

Letters to God #28

It is You
It always has been
and always will be You
Not because I am so faithful
but because You are
Able to keep my heart
even when I can not
Always
Only
You

Letters to God #27

How many times have I asked You?
How many times have You had to tell me?
Am I deaf?
Or just dense?
Or is it that the world around me applauds action and performance?
Yet still I seek You for purpose
Perceiving it to be oh so illusive.
Asking what I should DO with my life?


So you remind me yet again
That You named Yourself I AM
not I DO
You identify Yourself by Your character
Not by Your actions
Your identity does not come from what You do
But Your actions originate from who You are.


To be or not to be?
To become is the answer


What is my purpose?
I hear You say it again...
Love Me
and the rest will follow.
Can it be that simple?
Your whisper ripples through me
Just love Me.
Keep telling me until I believe and become a lover like You.