Lately you have been talking to me about the word intimacy. Well, more like prodding me. You even whispered the word honeymoon. I know what that word is supposed to mean! And while in one way it sounds wonderful to just spend some one on one time with you, basking in your Presence, in another way something in me resists.
I didn't realize I had a problem with intimacy. I thought we were pretty close, You and me. But I want more. More importantly and to the point You want more. And You wanting more of me is highlighting intimacy issues that I was unaware I had.
Like most people I have been hurt by people I love who love me. And I guess I built a wall around my heart to protect myself. I didn't even know it was there until you started asking for more of me. But I don't know how. I don't know how to give more of myself, because the fear holds me back. Because I've buried the rest of me so deep that I don't know how to find me. And I don't know how to breach the wall myself. I see it now, and I understand it is a hindrance, but I am trapped by my own efforts of protection.
So, if You really want me then You are going to have to come get me. I am willing but I can't tear down that wall by myself. I can't conquer the fear of true intimacy by myself. And I certainly can't find the buried pieces of me alone. I need Your help. And I need to know that I am worth the effort. I stand here on the other side of this wall and my hope is Your promise.
Hosea 2:19-20 "I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me In righteousness and justice, In lovingkindness and mercy; I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, And you shall know the LORD.
I am willing. I am hoping. I am waiting...
“I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.” Mother Theresa
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Three Little Words
I just realized it today, as I was praying, as I said those three little words out loud to Him. Those words have become harder for me to say as I get older. They felt awkward, almost inappropriate, stiff. Yet that didn't mean they were not true. They are.
As a child, those words came readily to my lips. They rolled off my tongue, like melting ice cream. I was so used to hearing them. So used to saying them. I lived in a world of love. I lived in a place of protection and safety. It never occurred to me that there could be anyone who wouldn't love me or that there might be anyone who wouldn't be easy for me to love. Life was easy and full of joy. I had the freedom to express myself. I had no trouble finding the words and no fear of the words I might find. Whether positive or negative, I was free to express whatever I felt. Because of love.
I don't know when or how the change happened. I just know that it did. Somehow, I lost the ability to love myself and in the process lost both myself and the love. I believed lies. I went from being full of joy and confidence to full of self-recriminations and shame. I sunk into a black ache. A silent cry.
And then I got married. I have sat down a hundred times to write about being married and subsequently divorced. The words are all in my head, but don't want to be released out into the world. Here is what I know and can say.
Being married changed me profoundly. Some of those changes were good, many more were not. If I was lost before, then I became completely inconsequential and invisible. Someone close to me told me that I was just gone. They would look in my I eyes and I wasn't there.
It was in marriage that I learned to truly hate myself. Whatever may have been said or done to me, I said or did worse to myself. Like a religious fanatic who flagellates himself for penance, I scraped my heart and soul into a bloody pulp. And those three little words? They came to mean nothing, even while they meant everything. Because I was an offense and a disgrace. I was unlovable. And I believed that I deserved to be unlovable.
Divorce set me free. It released me from my prison. It washed away all the superfluous and allowed me to narrow my concentration to focus on the part of the problem that I had control over. Or rather, the part of the problem where my choices could make a difference.
Since then I have sought out help and healing. Much of the work has been hard, some of it has been very easy. But I have learned that the hardest person to forgive has been myself. The hardest person for me to love is myself. But I am learning. God is so good to me. He has sent me back to the beginning to the place and people who taught me how to love and what love means. More than that, He has shown me His great love for His children, for me. Sometimes it overwhelms me, so that I don't even know what I feel. And He has shown me that He has been there all along. Every painful step of the way. In the joy and in the days of dark despair. In the days when I was invisible, I was always seen. When I felt utterly alone and that my only hope was death, He held me sheltered in the palm of His hand. He did not allow the shame and self-hatred and blackness to consume me.
In loving me, He is teaching me by example to love myself. In the past several years those three little words may have come harder, but I know that in the coming years they will become easy and free.
Lamentations 3:22 - Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
As a child, those words came readily to my lips. They rolled off my tongue, like melting ice cream. I was so used to hearing them. So used to saying them. I lived in a world of love. I lived in a place of protection and safety. It never occurred to me that there could be anyone who wouldn't love me or that there might be anyone who wouldn't be easy for me to love. Life was easy and full of joy. I had the freedom to express myself. I had no trouble finding the words and no fear of the words I might find. Whether positive or negative, I was free to express whatever I felt. Because of love.
I don't know when or how the change happened. I just know that it did. Somehow, I lost the ability to love myself and in the process lost both myself and the love. I believed lies. I went from being full of joy and confidence to full of self-recriminations and shame. I sunk into a black ache. A silent cry.
And then I got married. I have sat down a hundred times to write about being married and subsequently divorced. The words are all in my head, but don't want to be released out into the world. Here is what I know and can say.
Being married changed me profoundly. Some of those changes were good, many more were not. If I was lost before, then I became completely inconsequential and invisible. Someone close to me told me that I was just gone. They would look in my I eyes and I wasn't there.
It was in marriage that I learned to truly hate myself. Whatever may have been said or done to me, I said or did worse to myself. Like a religious fanatic who flagellates himself for penance, I scraped my heart and soul into a bloody pulp. And those three little words? They came to mean nothing, even while they meant everything. Because I was an offense and a disgrace. I was unlovable. And I believed that I deserved to be unlovable.
Divorce set me free. It released me from my prison. It washed away all the superfluous and allowed me to narrow my concentration to focus on the part of the problem that I had control over. Or rather, the part of the problem where my choices could make a difference.
Since then I have sought out help and healing. Much of the work has been hard, some of it has been very easy. But I have learned that the hardest person to forgive has been myself. The hardest person for me to love is myself. But I am learning. God is so good to me. He has sent me back to the beginning to the place and people who taught me how to love and what love means. More than that, He has shown me His great love for His children, for me. Sometimes it overwhelms me, so that I don't even know what I feel. And He has shown me that He has been there all along. Every painful step of the way. In the joy and in the days of dark despair. In the days when I was invisible, I was always seen. When I felt utterly alone and that my only hope was death, He held me sheltered in the palm of His hand. He did not allow the shame and self-hatred and blackness to consume me.
In loving me, He is teaching me by example to love myself. In the past several years those three little words may have come harder, but I know that in the coming years they will become easy and free.
Lamentations 3:22 - Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
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