Letters to God #16

I didn't even know. I thought it was just frustration. But no, during prayer group the other day it was anger that erupted like a steaming geyser, scalding me and everyone else. Where did that come from? I know all about the importance of forgiveness and dealing with negative emotions. I've been practicing forgiveness for most of my life. I thought I had dealt with the anger. But there it was seething in the deep, below the surface, waiting. How could I be so angry and not even realize it? It took me several days and a three day headache to process what I had spewed out. And I lived in silence those days, shocked at what was buried within me. Ashamed that it was even there.

And then. Then there is the ongoing battle and frustration of my personal prayer life. It is the weak link of my spiritual life. I want to connect with Your Spirit. I know that is Who You speak through to release the deep truths I need. I know that all the power and authority in prayer is found in Your Spirit. And yet everytime I set aside time for personal prayer time I struggle. I force myself to sit there for a certain period of time, praying, waiting to connect with Your Spirit. But in reality, it is torturous. Every second agonizingly slow. It seems that despite all my effort, my prayer time always ends with me hitting a brick wall, keeping Heaven closed to me. This isn't a recent thing. This is a life long battle. Why is it so hard? You know that my heart desires to please You. Yet, I'm ashamed to admit how much I dread prayer.

My heart has been heavy all week acknowledging the truth. I am frustrated, I am ashamed. I'm a terrible pray-er and I don't how to fix it or what to do about it. I can only ask You for help and continue persisting. So several days pass and we meet again for prayer. I start out worship on my feet, but end on my knees. The tears are streaming down my face as I resolutely sing, "Our God reigns. I will love You Lord, My Rock." Because that is all I can promise You, that I will love You no matter what. I will love You when it is more a choice than a feeling. I will love You when buried anger erupts and when Heaven seems closed to me. I will even love You when I fail.