Invisible

Does anyone else ever feel invisible? Like no one really sees you, the real you? I feel that way alot. Although I suppose saying so is a little bit of "poor me", or a lack of self-esteem or whatever you want to call it. Actually, it's also probably selfish to say so, because if I wasn't focused on myself, I might not even notice that I feel invisible. And if I am one thing, I've figured out, its self-centered or maybe selfish. Although I consider those words somewhat interchangeable.

As a Christian I can say God sees me and knows me and I believe that, at least in my head, but somehow it's just not enough. It doesn't do much to make me feel better. Honestly, in a way it makes me feel a little bit worse, because it means He really sees me. All of me, even the dirty, ugly parts. I probably have a sanitized version of myself in my head. Meaning I believe myself to be someone with certain qualities which I may not actually possess. But God knows the truth. He knows I'm not who I wish I was. He knows that I'm not the person I create for others to see. He knows my heart. And although I believe my heart is seeking God, eager to be cleansed and pure, I'm scared that maybe it isn't. Maybe my heart is really not all those pretty things. Maybe I'm motivated by selfish, greedy, grasping things and not by love, kindness and peace. Maybe I'm uglier inside than even I imagine myself to be. I hope not, but I have a hidden fear that it's true.

That's why I believe it's important to be transparent. I've always been someone who wears my emotions on my sleeve. But now I try to be someone who wears her heart on her sleeve for everyone to see, the good, the bad and the ugly. I don't want to be fake or phony. Because we are all lost and seeking. It doesn't help anyone to put on a happy, shiny face. To me, I find hope when I see someone who isn't afraid to admit their mistakes, who isn't afraid to share the ugliness of their soul with the world. Someone who puts themselves out there, honestly. But it is a hard thing to do. Scary. Because most people are so busy protecting themselves that they don't appreciate that honesty in someone else.  To be transparent is to be vulnerable. To be transparent is to invite pain inside. Because people judge what they consider weak or wrong. Because people ridicule vulnerability because they can and it makes them feel better. Because people reject what makes them uncomfortable. There is a reason the Bible says not to cast your pearls before swine, but I have never been able to determine who the swine are and I have never been able to withhold my own pearls. So I just throw them out there for everyone. Sometimes they are treasured, but yes sometimes they are trampled. I don't really know how to do life any other way. It's either all or nothing. So I put myself out there, I open my heart for everyone to see what's inside, be it good or dark and ugly. I choose to be vulnerable. I choose to invite the pain in and most of the time I don't mind. Because hiding who we really are is actually more painful and a whole lot more difficult.

And yet with trying to stay transparent, with opening my heart, with choosing to love to the best of my ability, I still feel like I'm invisible. Ironic isn't it, that in trying to be transparent I would feel invisible? I feel like people think that they know me because I am open. I want people to feel they know me and yet I feel that so few do. Partly I believe that is because people feel like they know all of me when in reality I don't "show" all of me. Partly it coule be because I have always felt somewhat disconnected from others. I have always loved people, loved being around people, loved getting to know people, but yet within all of that I've always felt somewhat lonely. There will be times I will be in a group of good friends or family and I'll have a strong pang of lonliness settle on me like I don't really belong and even these friends and family members can't really know me. I'm a very outgoing friendly person, but I'm also a very introspective internal person too. I know that those closest to me "see" me, but it's through a filter. I'm always a daughter, sister, wife. I don't feel like I'm ever really me. My mom probably knows me the best but then she can't help but relate to me as her daughter and that filters everything she knows about me.

As for everyone else, I share bits and pieces of myself here and there with those who have taken the time to dig deeper.  Sometimes I feel a strong connection to a person and it seems like they feel quite the opposite. I think that upsets me the most. When I think I really "click" with someone and they just don't care enough to make an effort or reciprocate. I take it personally which it most likely isn't. At times like that I want to cry. At times like that I really feel not only invisible, but rejected. Nobody likes that. But you know what? I keep trying. I keep choosing to be open and vulnerable. I keep choosing to love people who put me at the bottom of their priority list. I don't know, but I feel like I'm growing through it all.