Looking Back, Looking Forward

Another year is here again, and not only a new year, but for me a new decade also. If I had known what this past year was going to be like, I might have spent it hiding under the bed. But even with all the difficulties and challenges there were also many joys.

This year I have finally begun to learn how to wait on God and how important it is to be in His perfect timing. This hasn't been easy, because I'm not known for my patience and yet God never seems to be in a hurry.

This year I have learned to question tradition. Am I following Christian traditions because I have studied and tested them myself and found them to be a true interpretation of God's Word? Or am I allowing something the Church has "always taught" to guide my life without truly examining what God would have me do? Just because it is tradition, doesn't mean it is truth. Just look at Martin Luther for an example. I am learning to rely on God's voice for myself and not relying on what someone else said God told them. Everyone must learn to hear God's voice for themselves, otherwise we can be easily led astray and manipulated.

This year I have valued even more the people God has placed in my life. I have experienced to the nth degree the love and support of friends and family. I once heard a pastor say that relationships are God's classroom. How true I have found that to be. How blessed I have found myself this year. When things got tough, and I was unable to stand on my own, I had many people who were there to hold me up, to stand beside me and share the blows of life. I can't tell you how thankful I am to see such a demonstration of love. There have been times when I felt that I was drowning, that I was invisible and that I was alone. But thank God that I was wrong.

Last January I set some goals for myself. I determined to travel more, to get out of my shell and get involved, to practice becoming a better carrier of God's presence. Evaluating last year, I realized I did get to travel more last year. I saw the Grand Canyon for the first time and enjoyed time with friends in Las Vegas. I spent a weekend in Dallas with my best friend, which was sorely needed. We were also able to drive to Omaha and visit some very close friends. I traveled to Detroit with a very dear friend for another dear friend's wedding. Detroit was also a place I've never been. I went to LA and spent some time with my sisters which was the highlight of my year. Who knew my sisters were so much fun ; ) Oh what a time we had!

As for my other two goals, those could still use some work. I didn't get more involved like I planned. I tried, but wasn't too successful. I should have been more assertive, but life was a little overwhelming last year. I also didn't return to church last year. Again, I tried attending several services, but just couldn't continue. However, towards the end of the year I was able to get involved with a prayer group that meets twice a week. So some slow progress is being made.

As for being a better carrier of God's presence, I don't know. I'm usually my own worst critic, so if you asked me, I didn't do very well. But thankfully only God's opinion matters. I may not have been that much better, but I believe God is still working on me so if I made only a small improvement then I am thankful. Plus, God is more merciful to me than I am to myself. I may not have seen the results that I would like, but I know God saw my efforts and I hope that He was pleased.

This year I also turned thirty. To be honest, I've been dreading it since last year when I turned twenty-nine. I looked at my life and I was devastated. I am not where I wanted to be at thirty. The idea of turning thirty made me feel like a big fat failure. Aren't you supposed to have it together? Aren't you supposed to be working towards your purpose in life? Aren't you supposed to have children by now or at least planning on it? Aren't you supposed to be stable? I had none of those things. I still don't know what I am supposed to do with my life. Thirty seemed a confirmation that I am a big screw-up. BUT. But, that is a very big but. I realize that I cannot control time or circumstances, however I can control my attitude. I can choose what I think and I can choose what I believe. I was reading my Bible and I realized thirty can be a very blessed age. Do you know that David was finally crowned king of Israel at thirty? After years of being a vagabond? After years of Saul attempting murder him? And years and years after God annointed him to be Israel's next king? Do you know that Jesus began His ministry at thirty? What was He doing all those years before? The Bible doesn't say. Depending on your viewpoint, you could say those previous years were wasted. He wasn't preaching, He wasn't healing people, He wasn't confronting religious leaders. But from another perspective you could say all those previous years were preparation for His one purpose in life. You could say those years weren't wasted, because He was becoming who God sent Him to be.

Just a few weeks ago, I realized how foolish I've been. Why was I dreading thirty so much? I look back at my twenties, and I cringe. What a terrible decade. So many difficult, mournful years. So many wasted opportunities. So much struggle and heartache. Why was I trying so hard to hold on to my twenties when they were so terrible? I should be thrilled to say hello to thirty and goodbye to the twenties! And all of a sudden I was! I choose to believe that thirty will be the best year of my life. How could it not be after all the preceding years. I choose to believe that perhaps like David and Jesus, thirty may be the year I finally know my purpose and fulfill it. I am so excited to see what God has for me this year. I am excited to see how He may use the previous years as preparation for this one. I know those difficult years weren't wasted. Like a seed underground, in the dark, struggling to break through the crusty earth and find the sun, God has been using that time for my growth.

So this year I am determined to continue practicing being a better carrier of God's presence. I may not have mastered it yet, but I am bound to improve if I am persistent. This year I am determined yet again to get involved. I failed at it last year, but you have never really failed until you quit. This year I am determined to continue to travel.

But in addition to continuing last year's goals I am adding to them. I recently had an experience that has had me contemplating. I had a conversation with a person I care about, and that conversation left my heart breaking for this person. It made me realize that I am not the only person who struggles, who has challenges and difficulties to overcome. I thought about how much God loves us and how His heart must break for us. I thought about how He must sit in Heaven and weep along with us when life gets hard. Yes, He is God and He has the power to change things, but that doesn't mean He is unfeeling. After my conversation with a friend my heart was breaking for them and I believe His heart must have been breaking too. Many, many years ago, I started asking God to teach me to love the way He loves. And this year I want to ask Him to add another facet to what I am learning about how to love. I want to learn how to allow what breaks His heart to break mine. I've had enough of my own heart break. I know what it feels like to weep over my own life. But if I have to experience a broken heart I would prefer it to be what breaks God's heart, and not what breaks mine. As love does, I want to mourn with those who mourn. To share and maybe carry some of the burdens and tragedies of others. Because that is what was done for me. I think it's only when we begin to experience a bit of others' heartbreaks that we are compelled to reach out, to act on our faith, to begin to make a change.

The last thing I want to focus on this year is a word God gave me around Thanksgiving. Usually at Christmas God shows me one new thing about the miracle of Christmas. Usually I ponder this new revelation during the weeks of November and December. But this year was different. This year, I didn't get a phrase or a word picture in my head. This year I only heard one word. Joy. I pondered on it, but didn't receive any great revelation. No, it has been unfolding much more slowly this time. I didn't have a nice long blog to write this Christmas about what God has shown me. Joy has been more of a puzzle. A little piece here and another one there. I don't even have the border complete on this puzzle yet. And everyone knows when doing a puzzle you always complete the border first becase it provides a reference for the rest of the puzzle picture. I think perhaps God wants me to spend longer on this revelation this year. Instead of having an aha! moment for Christmas, I think I am supposed to ponder this one for longer. Joy. So this year, I want to also focus on joy. It may take me all year to get it, but I am in no rush. Joy. This year will be the year I focus on joy. This will be the year I focus on all of God's blessing. This will be the year I look for joy until it is found.

So despite all the difficulties of the previous year I am very much excited about thirty and 2010. I resolve that this will be my best year yet.