The D-word

I don’t think anyone gets married thinking that it might end up in divorce. I know I didn’t. I was absolutely 100% certain that my marriage would last, simply because divorce was not an option. I was reared in a good and stable family with strong moral values and in a religious tradition that trained me well. Once you are married, it is for life. Don’t even contemplate the idea of a divorce. Whatever the cost, marriage is sacred and to be valued and protected above all else.

Yet, here I am. I’m not here to talk about what went wrong in the marriage or to defend my choice to divorce. Most people have their minds made up one way or another about the subject and I can add nothing new to the conversation. Some have accused me of seeking attention, just because I discuss divorce, mine in particular. I disagree as I have tried to be as quiet and discreet about it all as I possibly can. But here is the truth. I am divorced. I can’t deny that fact or pretend it away. I can’t hide it by not talking about it. It is now a part of my life story, a particularly big part at this time. Being divorced has molded and shaped me in as large a way as being married did. I can’t share my life without mentioning that part of it.

My perspective on divorce has changed some since my own experience. Not in a very significant way, as I still firmly believe in the sanctity of marriage and that every marriage that can be saved, should be. I still believe that couples should do everything they can to make a marriage work and that divorce should not be used as an easy out. But here is another truth. Divorce is never an easy out. I’ve written about this subject before while still married and my opinion on that has not changed. Here is where my perspective has changed. What about the people? What about those who choose to divorce and those who have divorce forced on them? How do we treat them? In many religious circles divorce is still viewed as the great sin and people who are divorcing or are divorced are treated as the unforgiveable. Why is that? Do we condemn or to do we offer compassion and kindness? I have much more compassion for others now. We are broken people. And broken people form broken relationships. If both people in a marriage are unwilling or unable to confront their brokenness, seeking healing and wholeness, then more brokenness results. Our only hope is to be vulnerable before God and allow him into the hurting broken places. He is the only one who can heal and make us whole. Why do we condemn and judge those who are just as human as we are? And why are we willing to sacrifice the individuals for the sake of an institution? People are always more important than the organization, group or institution they form. These things exist to serve mankind, not the other way around.

Many people like to throw out the phrase, “what God has joined together let no man put asunder” as an argument against divorce. But why do we assume that just because a couple married that God brought them together? I believe that people choosing to marry without seeking God’s will on it, is as equal a tragedy as divorce. And don’t tell me that this doesn’t happen all the time. When hormones and emotions run high, many times God takes a back seat. A marriage where the couple is miserable, where there is no partnership does not glorify God in any way. I don't consider it a great success when people stay married and yet live unhappy, contentious lives. This to me is more of a deterrent to the cause of marriage then a help. I myself can only count on one or two hands the couples who have a marriage I would want to emulate. That is a sad statement on our beliefs about the value and sanctity of marriage. And if the Church and religious community is so against divorce then why aren’t they offering resources to help people make godly and right decisions about marriage before the marriage takes place. There are numerous resources for marriage after the fact, many focusing on how to make it work no matter what. These resources tend to focus on the marriage and not on the desperate, hurting individuals that sincerely want to save their marriage. But because the focus is on the marriage and not on the individual, many times neither the marriage nor the individual are saved. How can a marriage be whole and healthy if the individuals that form the marriage are neither whole nor healthy? Why do we focus on the symptoms instead of getting to the root cause? Why do we focus on “fixing” the marriage instead of resolving the heart issues of the individuals that affect the marriage?

I’ve been there and am speaking from my experience. I loved my husband and I did everything I knew of to make the marriage work. I was a more than willing sacrifice on the altar of marriage. But at the same time my efforts were made by a broken, hurting soul. I entered into marriage with my own wounds and unhealthy behaviors and beliefs which did nothing to help me form a strong and healthy marriage .I sought counsel and healing throughout the marriage and prayed until my heart ran dry. And then I asked God what next? Unfortunately divorce was next.

Here is another truth, I firmly believe that both of us did everything we could do to make it work. That we gave all that we could give. I won’t speak for him, but that is my opinion. I have no anger or bitterness towards my ex. Actually, I have no negative feelings towards him at all. I still care about him, but now it is from a distance. I still pray for him and I still want God’s best for him. Do you know what else? I still talk to him and about him sometimes. We spent eleven years together, and share multitudes of memories. I can’t wipe out those eleven years even if I wanted to. He is in many of my memories and stories and I can’t pretend those years didn’t happen by refusing to mention him. But those memories no longer hold power over me either. I can talk about them because I no longer am emotionally attached.   

Divorce is hard for everyone involved. Someone asked me if I regret my decision. My answer? Not a single minute. But do you know why? Because I prayed and asked God for direction every step of the way. I firmly believe that He was in the process from start to finish. Many people might argue with me and if I had the interest I would try to prove my point. I certainly can debate the Bible or God’s Will, but I don’t like to. God’s Word isn’t a weapon to use against each other and His Will is specific to each individual. Why do we think it is more important to use His word to prove our point, to be right, than it is to use His word to show us how to love each other better? How can I argue what God’s plan for you might be or vice versa? Most days I have a hard enough time knowing what His will is for me. Here is what I know. He loves me. No matter what.

Even though it was very difficult I think divorce was one of the better decisions I’ve made. Not because it made my life easier or better, but because I am a better person for it. I had learned to hate the person I had become in my marriage. Now, God is walking me through the process of learning to love myself. That has been one of the hardest things about divorce; confronting myself.  Loving myself, forgiving myself. When it’s just you and God it gets very real, very fast. But I am grateful. Divorce is a difficult & painful process. Sometimes pain is a sign that healing has truly begun. And sometimes the difficult things benefit us the most, because they challenge us to grow, change and persevere. Hard things tend to pare our lives down until only the truth is left. And the truth sets you free.