Dear Self

(Linked up with Chatting at the Sky)

Dear Self,

Ah Dear One, I really just want to hold you close and rock you like your Dad does during thunderstorms. You are 16, on the verge of life, but also on the edge of darkness. And it’s going to get worse before it gets better. You are just entering your struggle with depression and what I call the Lost Years. I know that is not what you want to hear, but the good news is you have Jesus and He has you. Together you win!

Because of that darkness, I want to shed some light. You will feel lost and invisible, but the truth is you are seen and known. Mostly you need to know you are Loved, wildly, beyond comprehension.

Here is a little advice to help you along the way:

Learn to love yourself. You are your own worst critic and harshest judge. Some of the bruises on your heart you put there yourself. Yes, there are areas in your life that need to change and also a lot of growing you will do. But change and growth are a part of life and do not necessarily indicate character flaws. Give yourself the same grace that you so freely give to others.When you fall, repent and get back up again, dust your knees off and get back on the path. God won’t berate you for your mistakes so don’t berate yourself. He is more concerned with your heart and we both know your heart belongs to Him.

Lower your standards a bit. Let go of chasing perfection. It's impossible to catch and will only make you miserable! Also? Let go of the need to control. We never really have control and the illusion that we can keeps us chasing a phantom that doesn’t exist. Don’t waste your precious time.

Don't give up on dreaming. Circumstances and people will try to steal your dreams and siphon away any extra time or energy you have for pursuing your dreams. Don't let that happen! If you do you will only resent yourself and others. Our dreams aren't selfish, they are God-given. Move to Paris for 6 months and learn French like you've always wanted to. Write, because this is how you process life.You are a writer at heart and it doesn't matter if no one but you and God sees what you write. In fact, you are really only writing for the two of you anyway. Travel, even if you have to sacrifice to do it. Let me tell you, the lack of these things will leave you feeling dead inside. On the other hand when you outgrow a dream let it go. Make room for new ones and don't limit them because you think something might be impossible. A dream isn't worth having unless it takes God to make it possible.

Another vital thing to remember? Don't believe the lies. This is something we struggle with, even me, even now. We know the truth, but for some reason the lies are so much louder and easier to believe.  Don't believe the lie that doing is more important than being. The world will tell you that you aren’t valuable or important if you aren’t in this organization, building a high profile career, making X amount of money, volunteering, etc. Doing is a great thing, but only if it is out of obedience to God and from a place of love. But becoming is so much more important. Practice the art of presence and the art of listening. Allow God to mold you into the person He created you to be. Because the truth is the best things we do flow out of who we are.

Don't go looking for your identity in others. Don't believe what people say about you, even the good stuff. The truth is the only One who can tell you who you are is the One who made you. Not only can He tell you who you are, but He is madly in love with the Brittaney He made. And let me tell you something else. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are NOT insignificant and you ARE enough, just as you are. The things about yourself that you wonder about and agonize over are a reflection of the God who loves you. In fact, you were made in the image of God and inherited some of those traits from Him. Don't try to deny them, embrace them! When you fully claim and inhabit those shared traits is when you look the most like your Father God.

Don't fall for the myth that being in a relationship or being married is the love story that matters. Don't waste your time waiting for the fairy tale. The truth is that you are already living THE Love Story. This reality trumps the fairy tale in every way. The Hero you dream of, the strong and tender Protector you are looking for, the One who will see you and love every little bit of You? His name is Jesus and He's been waiting for You to recognize Him as the Man of your dreams. He happens to be madly in love with You. He's already written His part as your knight in shining armor and is waiting to rescue you anytime you ask. He whispers poetry to your heart which sounds like music humming through your veins. He isn't intimidated by your questions and doubt or scared of your anger and tears. He's strong enough to handle it all. He will make you laugh and help you see the beauty in the simplest things. He's perfect for you, but you don't have to be perfect for Him. You don't have to earn His love or acceptance. It's already yours. No one will ever know you better or love you more, although your mom will be a close second.

Live outside the box.  Don't allow the world or the Church to tell you how to live. You have some things inside you that don't fit the mold and that is a great thing! Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone, to be different, to question tradition and the "norm."  Don't force yourself to fit into a life that you think is expected of you, but live the life that fits you. You will find yourself craving adventure. Remember that adventure is as much about your attitude and perspective as it is activity. Every day can be an adventure if you choose to see it that way.

Here's the truth about you. You are beautiful, inside, where it matters, where it lasts. You have a beautiful, passionate, kind heart. You are funny and wise. You never meet an enemy. You have a way of making people love you without even trying. You are smart, but you don't show it off.  You are trusting and vulnerable. You were made to be unique and special. You are loved, loved, loved. Above all you are loved. You may be feeling a bit sorry for yourself right now, thinking of the long years ahead, the struggle and heartache I have alluded to. There is grace for the darkness and that grace will save you. Remember what I said at the beginning? We win! God will not waste the Lost Years, because He is all about redemption.  And when you finally come out of the dark God will call you the name you secretly wished for as a young girl. Sunshine.

Your older and still figuring it out Self.