Letters to God #29

I had no idea
It caught me completely unaware
I laid down in the silence to pray and give thanks
But the next thing I knew I was crying
Failure and grief building up until I erupted
And it didn't relent
The pressure expanded
until I felt crushed and breathless

Then I felt it...
Something inside me clawing to get out
Like a wild animal buried alive
I could feel the sharp edges scraping inside
until I wanted to take my own hands
and tear my self open
just to let it out
to relieve the pain
I felt the panic and fear
the desperation of wanting to be free
and nothing could soothe it
I called Your name over and over
until the panic subsided
but the weight remained

I cried out for deliverance
until I heard Your voice telling me to die
So I crawled up on the Cross
breathing out surrender
willing myself to submit to the end


I will remain in this silent darkness
waiting for resurrection
my hope in You