Fighting Church

I have surprising confessions to make. I did not go to church yesterday. And to be frankly honest I have never loved going to church, although I have been going my entire life. Growing up my family was in church pretty much every time the doors opened. My parents taught children's church, my dad was an "elder" and on the list goes. I might have enjoyed church as a child although I can't remember enjoying it, it was just expected. I remember going, and I remember people and events. But I can certainly tell you that by the time I hit my teenage years, I really disliked attending church. I can't really tell you why. And yet I continued to go, even on my own into my adult years and to this current day. Other than the year Vinson and I lived in Houston, I've never really enjoyed it. It's always been something I've done out of duty, or because I felt like I had to. I've heard every reason why one should attend church. But honestly, they are beoming less and less persuasive. For a while my church attendence was based on the saying, "if you feel like skipping church today, it is probably the day you most need to be there."

So yesterday, like any other Sunday, I woke up early, took a shower, put on my makeup and did my hair. Then I sat down at the kitchen table for my morning coffee and paper break. I was ready to go to church. But for some reason, something in me resisted it. And by saying resisted, I'm not just saying I didn't want to go, or didn't "feel" like going, but that it was something I strongly fought against and felt repelled by. Kind of the way I feel when it comes time to clean the bathrooms or wash windows, or anticipate the visit of someone I really dislike. Strong resistance. And for the first time, I listened to that feeling. I sat at home in my Sunday best and watched as the clock passed 10:30, then 11:00 then noon. And I felt....relief.

I asked Vinson a couple of weeks ago, "Does church seem relevant to you?" Because I think that is where my resistance is coming from. I'm tired of doing things just for the sake of doing them. I'm tired of going to church because that's what good little Christians do. Sad to say, I am finding church is having less and less relevance in my life. Which is strange in a way, because the more irrelevant I find church, the more relevant, not only relevant but vital I find God and my relationship with Him. I'm tired of going to church to hear a nice moral lesson and being asked to commit to umpteen groups and committees. I'm tired of leaving church at the end of the service and immediately being able to forget. I'm tired of religiousity. I'm tired of seeing the same members and even friends leaving service after service and then struggling through difficult situations and lives on their own and things never changing.

I want to go to church and be challenged. I don't want to hear a nice moral lesson, that I could get from a Dale Carnegie course or a self-help book on ebay. I want to hear/learn/experience things that make me uncomfortable, things that make me take a hard look at my beliefs and the motives and reasons behind them. I want to come away with my faith challenged, my perspective challenged and my view of God challenged. I don't want to volunteer in the nursery, or commit to a study group, and only ever having a surface relationship with people. (Although that responsibility partly falls on me to develop those relationships.) I don't want to go to church and see people that look like me and talk like me and believe like me. I want to see people from all walks of life, from the country, from the ghetto, from the streets and the whore houses (are those even around anymore?) all comfortable and feeling safe in God's house.

So here's the thing. Just like with many other Christian "beliefs", I think we've taken the idea of church and turned it into a tradition that has little meaning in our culture, little impact on our world and little resemblance to what God intended. I'm not a theology major, so I may just be ignorant, but when I read my Bible, I don't see a structure or organization that resembles today's church. I don't see where services were at specifically set times, and I don't see a single pastor as the only leader. I don't see where people were kept busy doing "church" stuff. I'm not saying any of that is wrong, I'm just saying maybe we need to reconsider what church is. In fact, when I read Acts, it sounds to me like the early church looked and operated more like a hippie commune, (without the sex and drugs of course), where everything was shared jointly and people lived and worked together as a whole. The other thing, is that the Bible calls us the church. It doesn't call a building, or an organizational structure, or anything else, the church. We, the people, are the church. So maybe church doesn't necessarily mean services, tithes, small groups and bible studies, Harvest Fests substituted for Halloween. We, living our everyday, normal, sometimes humdrum lives are the church to those we come into contact with.

You know what my church would look like? It would look like love. Relationships would be more important than things, meetings, fundraisers and positions. It would be a place where everyone was welcome, regardless of who they are. Not only would they be welcome, but they would be made to feel loved and accepted. The church would be a safe harbor and anyone who was struggling, would look at it as such. The few people who actually do volunteer wouldn't feel pressured to lead and participate in even more activities. Family time would be valued and encouraged even at the sake of sacrificing time to the church. And families wouldn't just be defined as parents and children, but those without families would feel part of the church family. The power of change would be present and active. So people wouldn't just participate in church but their lives never improve. I think Love is the most powerful agent of change in the world. What would it look like if everyone loved their neighbor? Not just the one living next door, but the one sharing a world with us. My church missionaries wouldn't always go to far off places as Africa, India, and the Phillipines. In fact, my definition of a missionary would include those who simply reach out to those around them. Not to convert them, but to offer a smile or a compliment, a helping hand, springing for someone else's cup of coffee, being a shoulder to cry on, just being there, present, ready and willing to help.
I don't know, maybe I've got it all wrong, but what I envisioned above seems a lot more relevant and meaningful to me right now, than the definition of church that I've lived with my entire life.