A Convicted Murderer

I am convicted. I have been a murderer.

Let me preface this blog by saying what I share here is not a reflection on anyone or anything other than myself. I have been to some pretty dark and terrible places and most of the time I took myself there, sometimes by choice.

The other day I was listening to a cd about the power of words. The speaker was talking about our voices and what they actually transmit. It seems that someone has created the technology to map your voice. I won't get into the details, but it was pretty fascinating. Not only do our words carry power, but our voices do as well. The Bible has a LOT to say about words, it speaks of how we bless and curse our own lives with what comes out of our mouths. We have the power to choose and speak good or to destroy. It talks about the tongue being impossible to tame and many other things. I guess I ought to know because I've read/studied most of these verses. I've needed to with my big mouth. Do you know that verse in Psalms about hiding God's Word in your heart, so that we might not sin against God? Well, some piece of the Bible I had hidden in my heart came back to bite me....hard. I was sitting there listening to this cd about our voice and the power of words and all of a sudden I was reminded of the verse that says, when you hate your brother, you hold murder in your heart. (My paraphrase and don't ask me what verse that is from, b/c I'm drawing a blank)

Oh. My. God. That verse pinned me down like a worm on a fish hook. Those words alone convicted me. I was reminded of some things. Mainly, I thought about my husband. There was a time in the first years of our marriage, when I literally wished ill on him. Not out loud, but in my heart. I was so unhappy, miserable and had just plain given up. I hated my life and I hated being married. But I knew divorce was out of the question. So that left one other option. In order for me to not be married one of us needed to...cease to exist. Most days I didn't really care one way or another if it was me or him. But there were a couple of times when I dreamed up some pretty terrible accident scenarios. God forgive me.

But not only was I convicted for those dark places in my mind and heart where I literally held death, but I was also convicted for all the times when I chose curses with my tongue, when I destroyed instead of creating a safe place, when I spewed hate and anger instead of love and forgiveness, when I killed dreams instead of giving them wings. I murdered with my mouth. I sat there in my car and cried. I thought of all the times when I blamed my husband when in reality it was me all along who nurtured anger. I thought of the times when he shared his heart with me, his dreams for our life and all I could do was nail his feet down to solid earth instead of letting him fly. I thought of all those times when we argued about something and I lashed out at him with my tongue saying horrible hateful things. I thought about the death and destruction I brought on myself and my husband, who I love, and I mourned for the unknown losses I have caused. I thought long and hard about how different our life today might be if I had chosen to not only bite my tongue, but to choose to speak good things. I asked God to forgive me, I asked Him to heal the wounds and the damage I had/have caused, I asked Him to have mercy and to restore that which I had broken and destroyed with my own words. And we (God and I) didn't stop there. He also pointed out to me a couple of other specific situations and people that I had wreaked havoc on with my tongue. And I cried some more. But then He forgave me. And I asked God to help me choose life from now on.

Hello, my name is Brittaney and I was a convicted murderer, but now I am forgiven and I choose life