Into our Pasture

Today I bought a Christmas card. As I mentioned, I'm not sending out cards this year, but I am sending this one. It's not the kind of Christmas card I usually would pick. It looks like a child's drawing of a pasture. On the front it shows grass and sky and a big star in the center and one word. "God." When you open the card it shows the pasture scene again with a slight change. In the middle on the fence is a manger with a baby and a bunch of sheep surrounding it jumping for joy. The inside says "...moved into our pasture." "The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. John 1:14."

"God moved into our pasture."

Isn't that about right. That is what Christmas is about, Jesus moving into our pasture. Christmas wasn't a beautiful, clean and shiny act. The King of Heaven came not into a world of wealth, He wasn't born in a mansion or palace, He wasn't even born in His mother's own home. He wasn't born into a clean sterile, pleasant smelling environment surrounded by well-groomed, well-fed, well-educated people. Nope, not Him. He was born surrounded by weary, travel-worn parents and a bunch of farm animals. Donkeys, asses if you will. Cattle, barn-mice.

My friend Sarah posted this on her site and I'm borrowing it from her.

"It really sank in with the Christmas story. The idea that God, if there is a force of Love and Logic in the universe, that it would seek to explain itself is amazing enough. That it would seek to explain itself and describe itself by becoming a child born in straw poverty, in shit and straw... a child ... I just thought: 'Wow!' Just the poetry... Unknowable love, unknowable power, describes itself as the most vulnerable. I was just sitting there, and it's not that it hadn't struck me before, but tears came down my face, and I saw the genius of this, utter genius of picking a particular point in time and deciding to turn on this." Bono (H/t to Dave Carrol at Big Ear.

There it is, in simplicity. I left the s-word in there because it is true to the meaning.. He came to us, to our world in all of it's crassness, it's filthy stench. He came to our pasture. And thank God for that. Who cannot relate to someone who will walk in your shoes? To Someone who will wade through your crap, your mess with you? That is the condition of this world, even of our hearts without Jesus. Rank, filthy, crass and dark. But He isn't deterred by even the worst of it. He isn't put off by our stench or the muck lying around in our hearts. Nothing is too filthy, too disgusting, too messy for Him. He is our Shepherd King. He is at home in our pasture. He knows how to clean up our hearts and the disasters of our own making.

Sometimes I think people ask the wrong questions. We look around our world and we see all the evil and injustice. Wars, abuse, death, cruelty etc. We ask how could a loving God exist?We doubt His interest in us and our world, we ask where is He? But we aren't remembering. It wasn't God that created an imperfect world. His creation was declared good. It wasn't God that wanted His own way and went about snarling things up, creating chaos and disorder. No. It was our pasture first. He made it for us and we promptly took that gift used our own freewill and defecated it. Then we looked to God and blamed Him for it. And instead of throwing up His hands and turning away, He set about restoring that which we had destroyed and that which we still destroy.

He showed up in our pasture and made His dwelling with us. So the question we should ask is why should God be blamed for our own mess? The more important question is will we allow God to help us clean it up? Will we accept that our Shepherd King who could just sit around on His throne being worshipped all day by all of Heaven would rather walk around with us in a dirty world. Will we let Him?

God living in our pasture. I wonder if that is why the angels told the news first to shepherds in the field? Maybe they best understood what was being given. And maybe that is why the angels couldn't keep the news to themselves. They had to tell the good news and sing. "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peace, goodwill toward men."

He is with us, Emmanuel, in our world, in our hearts, in our homes, in our filth. He dwells among us, sheep and asses alike ; )

And this is peace, this is good news, this is our joy!

A Pagan Christmas?

I am familiar with the claim that Christmas began as a pagan holiday. A Roman celebration of Saturnalia. In fact, a pastor that I know personally does not celebrate Christmas for this reason. My parents grew up this way themselves. They came out of a church tradition that does not celebrate Christmas because of it's heathen origins. Of course, you wouldn't know that today by looking at them. My parents are the ones who helped cultivate my love of the holiday. So Christmas started out pagan. Don't you just love it?

I love it! Do you know why? The celebration of Christmas as a holy day when it originally started out as an unholy day is a picture of grace. It is the very picture of salvation. It shows that we have a God powerful enough to transform something that began as evil and sinful and sanctify it for His purpose. God took something profane and made it sacred. God took something that was in itself an act of rebellion against Him and redeemed it so that it instead became something that glorified Him. Where would we be if God was not capable or refused to use something that came out of sin? We would be lost. A whole world of sinners would be without hope. And yet He is not only capable of transforming evil He gets glory out of it. The "world" does this to that which God creates all the time. They take the sacred and profane it. They bring sin and evil into that which God has meant for good. But thank God that He is constantly in the process of redemption. He doesn't look at the mess we have made and say, "That's it, I'm done. Look what they have done to that which I have given them. Look at how they have screwed up my world." No, instead He sets about healing that which we have broken, loving those who are hurt and lost, redeeming what we willingly yet ignorantly have given up.

Think about it! Yes, Christmas can be celebrated in an unholy way, yes it has been commercialized. We live in a fallen imperfect world. But despite that it is a miraculous time. What other time of year do you hear music that speaks of Jesus, glorifying Him, describing the miraculous being played everywhere you go? Joy to the World is a mini-sermon being broadcast for Christians and heathens alike to hear.O Holy Night is the story of Christmas itself with the reverence due such a miracle infused in its' lyrics. I have said it before that Christmas music is my worship music. So what other time of year is all the world listening to worship music everywhere they go. What other time of year is the attention of the whole world focused on a day that celebrates God coming to earth, choosing to become one of us, a day that celebrates our Saviour? What other time of year promotes the kind of giving and thinking of others that Christmas does. I don't see Angel trees in the malls any other time of year. We give because of what He has given to us. What other time of the year promotes closeness in families like Christmas? Family is one of the foundations of a well-ordered, Godly life and Christmas is a time when we are particularly moved to be thankful for those whom God has given us. A holy Christmas is a reflection of God's love for us. A sacred Christmas is an act of thanks to the Giver of all good things, an act of thankfulness for all of His blessings. A Godly Christmas is an ideal time to show those who don't know Jesus, just how good, wonderful, generous and loving our God is to us. A joyful Christmas is a glimpse of what Heaven will be like. Don't we want those who don't know Jesus to see that and want that for themselves? And a pagan Christmas is a picture of the power of redemption and salvation. It is the whole point of why Jesus came in the first place. To close the gap between God and man. To restore that which was corrupted, to save that which was lost. Oh yes, Christmas! God's grace realized. God's presence restored to man. God's love manifested. Merry Christmas all!!!

Laying Down Life

This summer has been...interesting. God and I have been in a bit of a tussle. Not so much a me against Him tussle, but more of a wrestling with things we have been discussing between ourselves.

Everyone is pretty familiar with the verse, "Greater love has no man than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." It sounds so beautiful and it is so easy to say, "Ok God, I'm willing." But then we come to the hard part, what does that mean? To lay down your life? And if God really asked it of us, could we truly give it up?

I've been reading through Samuel. I'm in the first book still which tells the story of Saul and then goes into the story of the great biblical hero, David. But do you know whose story has grabbed my attention this time? Jonathan. I think he just might be my new favorite Bible person. His story has been completely overshadowed. I've been thinking about how he lived his life. His father was the first king of Israel and he should have been next in the line of succession, but instead he willingly gave up his right to the throne in favor of David. David! He befriended a little shepherd boy who had been chosen by God to be king in his place. Do you know Jonathan had God's favor too? In fact, before David came on the scene and killed Goliath, Jonathan took on the Philistines with just his armor-bearer and started killing Philistines, left and right until Saul decided to join him with his army. Before that, that particular battle with the Philistines had been at a standstill, with Israel and Philistia camped across from each other, neither willing to advance. Jonathan had common sense and character. Even though he befriended the boy who was to be king in his place, he still tried to honor his father Saul, who was trying to kill David. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Once David was annointed to be king, Saul went crazy, being tormented by evil spirits and chasing David around the wilderness for years trying to kill him. He even tried to kill Jonathan his own son. And yet Jonathan honored him. We don't know much else about Jonathan's life other then where it intersected with Saul's and David's. Eventually, Jonathan was killed in battle. Saul made stupid choices and took himself and his sons into a battle that got them killed. And then Saul commmitted suicide.

I'm just amazed by Jonathan's life. We all want to do great things. We all want to be someone important. Nobody chooses as a life goal to be the "behind-the-scenes" person. You know the one that does the work, who takes care of the small details, the one who supports the decision maker so that they can take all the credit? And yet Jonathan was a "behind the scenes" person. He laid down his life, the right to the throne. He chose to love the person who would be king instead of him, he chose to obey and honor his crazy father. He rode into battle with his father and got himself killed. And yet we go on and on about David. The big hero, the guy after God's own heart. Yes, David was admirable, but seriously have you read his whole story? The guy had issues! Anyway, I've been thinking about how Jonathan could have felt. How I would have felt in his shoes. Would I have laid it all down? Would I have been willing to give up a throne? Would I have been willing to be a minor character in the main story? Would I have handled it with the humility and integrity that he did?

So that brings me back to laying down my life. How willing am I? It is so easy during prayer, or a moving moment to make that promise. We say, "yes, God, whatever you want, I'll give it all" and then He asks us for some small thing and we act shocked and all of a sudden we are not so willing. Well God and I have been tussling. I asked some questions and He gave me some answers. And they were hard answers. But it is up to me to decide if I'm going to follow God's plan or not. Am I willing? Can I lay down my life? Can I lay down that thing which I love most? Can I put into His hands and walk away without that thing which has largely formed my identity, that thing which I willingly wrapped my whole life around? Can I give it up without knowing if I will ever get it back? Can I walk away an empty slate, fresh for God to write my true identity on? I have chosen yes. Now I am waiting on God's answer of how to do that. I will be moving forward one day at a time with no plan for the next month, the next week or even the next day. I am leaping blindly and I trust, no actually I'm not there yet, I hope that He catches me. I have to be honest. I am more than a tad bit scared. What if it doesn't work out the way I think it should? Do I trust God enough to believe His plan is the best. What if I lose for good the life I am giving up? What if I realize what I built my life around was false? That the thing I love the most was never real? Will I be able to let go? What if people think I'm downright bonkers? Right now I have numerous questions, but not many answers. All I know is that blind faith and laying down your life is even harder than it sounds and downright petrifying. But I am determined to follow Him no matter what the cost.

So...here goes..

The Stones

One of my favorite things in the world to collect is memories. I firmly believe in investing not only time, but effort in creating something worth remembering. I can get 1000 smiles out of one good memory. In my family we are all very fond of remembering. There was the time my dad played a trick on my Grandpa during a card game, or my Grandma's expression of "by crackey!" that set us all off on a particularly long good laugh. These are the things of our family lore. My husband teases me because I end up telling the same stories over and over again. But that is what we do in my family. We repeat our best times over and over to each other and enjoy them without the joy diminishing with the re-telling. Memories are jewels in the treasure box of life. (How's that for cheesy?) A good memory is something that cannot be stolen, but brings happiness and comfort throughout life.

That is one of the things I love about God! We have this in common. He also is fond of remembering. I looked up the word remember in the Bible Concordance the other day and found numerous references to the word remember. There are many places in the Bible where it talks of God remembering. Many times, this is a signal for a miracle, because it means a blessing or good thing is about to follow. God remembering His promises to His people, or God remembering His covenant with us which thus spares us the consequences of His wrath towards sin. But there are also many times that the word remember is a command given by God. He tells us to remember. Remember what He has done for us, remember what He has promised us, remember the battles He has fought on our behalf, remember, remember, remember. I've been reading in the Old Testament again and came across a passage where God fought a battle for Israel and sent their enemy scattered without them having to step onto the battlefield. Following this one-sided victory Samuel sets a stone in the place where the battle was won as a way of remembering. You see that many times in the Old Testament, particularly with the Patriarchs. They were forever erecting stone altars and piles then renaming the area as a way of marking the place where God showed up. And from then on anytime that place is mentioned in the Bible it is referenced by it's new name and the reminder that God's presence had been there. One of my favorite stories of this is the place where Jacob set up stones to remind him of where he had wrestled all night with an angel of God. Can you imagine? It must have been somewhat like our road signs. Any one passing by would see that stone pillar and would remember the story of Jacob.

After pondering on this, I began to think about my "stone markers." What have I set aside in my memory to mark the places where God has been. How do I remind myself of the times where I have experienced His presence, or where He has acted on my behalf? I believe that God's command to remember must be very important for Him to consistently reiterate it throughout the Bible. Why is it so important to God for us to remember? I believe it is because we are human and seem to have short memories. Something incredible and God-inspired happens to us and at the time we bask in it thinking that we will always remember that moment. But life moves on and we get bogged down in the difficulties and challenges that confront us. And all of a sudden we are grumbling and complaining, perhaps questioning God and wrestling with our faith. Oh, we are so easily distracted and so soon forget. God delivered the Jews out of Egypt with spectacular miracles and undeniable wonders and in the short period of time following they began to complain and doubt. It didn't take long at all and they were whining about trivial things such as food and water and the armies of Egypt. They had just been part of a major miracle and yet lacked the faith in God to meet their daily needs.

I also believe God calls us to remember because it pleases Him. I know how much pleasure I receive when someone recalls something nice that I had done for them. It lets me know that what I did had value and that the person on the receiving end appreciated it. Which in turn makes me more inclined to want to do it again. I can only imagine the pleasure God must get when we recall the good things He has done for us, especially since we are so much more prone to ask for His help then to give gratitude for what He has already done for us. We are so demanding. We treat God like He is our servant or magic genie, here for our pleasure rather than we are his servants here for His pleasure. How sad that must make Him, when all He wants to do is love us and all we want to do is take from Him. Like a spoiled children we are. How it must grieve Him.

I also think that God commands us to remember for the sake of others. When we remember His goodness for us by telling others of what He has done for us, it brings Him glory and gives others hope. I know many times when I have been discouraged, someone will tell me about a time when God did something for them and it immediately bolsters my faith. We all need these reminders. We hear so much negative in our world and so little good. A good memory is like a breath of fresh air.

So again, I asked myself where are my stones? Am I remembering all the times the love of God has impacted my life? Or do I look on those times as my expected due, lacking gratitude for His grace and mercy. Am I spreading God's glory by reminding others of His goodness? Am I truly thankful for His daily miracles? Although I know I can always do a better job of being thankful I would like to answer yes to this question. If I pause and think, I can remember innumerable instances of God's blessings. I look back on the path I have journeyed and it is strewn, covered in the stones of remembrance. He has been incredibly generous and good to me and in so doing has made my life more beautiful. Much like a person taking a quiet stroll along the beach, I am collecting stones, remembrances of His love. I then place these in a particular spot where I met His presence and walk on, leaving altars of His love for others to stumble across

The Mystery

I'm one of those people that cheats and reads the back of the book first. I enjoy movies more after having seen them once, because then I know how they are going to end. In fact if someone has already seen the movie I will ask them to tell me how it ends. I like knowing how something is going to turn out. I like to plan. Although I can enjoy a surprise it also disconcerts me. I like knowing the answers, especially the right answers.

But some part of me is changing. I know longer mind so much not having the answers, because that means that I can explore ideas. It means that there is room to consider many options. I no longer mind being challenged by others whose opinions are different from mine. In fact, I find it exhilirating, not because I want to argue or debate, but because I like to challenge my own beliefs to determine how true and fundamental they really are. It is thrilling to be set free from a belief that I can no longer sustain because it was solely based on tradition and not truth. It is just as thrilling to learn that a particular belief is even further enforced in me because I find it true.

Lately I've been pondering God and His mysteries. People like to ask the why questions about God. Why does He allow pain and suffering? Why does He not intervene when we think He should? Why did He put me here/in a particular environment or circumstance etc. I'm sure we all have many why questions. This used to both bother and threaten me when there was no obvious and easy answer. The lack of an answer suggesting that perhaps God didn't care or maybe I just couldn't hear His answer which meant that there must be something wrong with me. But lately I have "let go." I have abandoned the idea that everything must have a reason or a logic we can relate to. I have discarded the idea that just because God doesn't answer the why questions means that there must not be an answer. I have begun to embrace the idea that maybe He doesn't answer all the why's because He prefers a little bit of mystery. Much like an early dating relationship, perhaps He prefers not to share everything about Himself because He is waiting to see how much we really want to know Him personally. Are we in for the long haul, or are we playing games?  Perhaps God likes to be pursued. Perhaps we find the challenge of pursuing answers and at the same time pursuing Him keeps us interested and the relationship exciting? Would we be bored if God gave us all the answers up front? Would we lose interest in the chase if we knew how it all ended?

The Bible talks of God's mysteries. I always skipped over those verses because I didn't understand or relate to them and that frustrated me. But now I'm finding that those mysteries are exciting. People are drawn into a story with mystery. They commit to a story with mystery because they want to know how it ends. No one likes to leave something unanswered. God leaving some things a mystery even when He knows the answer is a little like leading a donkey with a carrot. (We are the donkey of course : )
I am learning to love it! I am seeing God's mysteriousness as a grand adventure. A treasure hunt. Here's a little clue, what does it mean? Lightbulb moment! Then rushing on to the next clue, not knowing where it will lead. Who really wants to know the story of their life beforehand anyway. Life isn't really all that interesting if we already know how our life will play out. But God makes it an adventure. And the mystery and adventure makes the growing we go through more fun. Plus, who needs faith if we know the answer to the whys?

Wide Open

My heart is split wide open. And it seems to be a permanent condition.

How could it not be? I am constantly reminded of God's great love for me. When I start feeling sorry for myself, when I start to question if others love or care about me, when I question how long, when I wonder if my life will ever have a purpose He comes in and sweeps me off of my feet. And I am reminded that no matter the answer to any of those questions, the only answer that matters is that Jesus loves me. And that answer so overwhelms me everytime that my heart is left beating, pulsing His love, drowning me and all my doubts. What is left is an open, tender universe that spills out the excess of that love into my life. It colors everything in my world with light. And I am vulnerable but strong. I could not survive, no I couldn't exist without His love for me and without the knowledge that He loves me. Nothing else matters.

I am constantly surprised how so many people miss God's love for them. I am ever reminded. Every where I look I see evidence of it. I am a romantic at heart. I would venture to call myself an extreme romantic and for some reason am slightly ashamed of that. But I love a good love story. I love a story of desperation met with redemption. I love stories of focused pursuit. In fact I read those kinds of stories myself and get a little thrill out of them. But there is no bigger love story than that of God pursuing His creation.

I was doing one of my Bible studies this week and the question was asked, "What do you consider your life's verse?" I had to think about it for a minute, because obviously there are so many great verses in the Bible that I love. But then I remembered. I love the book of Hosea. I'm not sure that there are many who would say that being it is one of those old testament prophet books. But it has to hold one of my favorite love stories in the Bible. If you are unfamiliar with it, God told the prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute called Gomer. She kept straying from the marriage, but Hosea would go out and seek her and bring her back. They even had children together. God intended for Hosea's life to be a picture of His relationship with His own people. We/I am the prostitute in God's story. I am easily distracted by temporary shallow things. I wander from home and try to fulfill my own needs. I place others before God and yet He comes after me as Hosea did, and carries me home. He never gives up. He is undeterred by my faithlessness, my lack of respect for myself or for Him. He loves me in all my filth. So then this verse sums it up for me;

Hosea 2:19-20¹⁹“ I will betroth you to Me forever;
      Yes, I will betroth you to Me
      In righteousness and justice,
      In lovingkindness and mercy;
      ²⁰I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,
      And you shall know the LORD.

When I read that verse I see the I wills. And they are all God's. He will, He will, He will. The determination in our relationship is all on His side. It doesn't depend on me. There is passion and longing in so many I wills. He is determined. And that determination plays out in love and goodness. These are not angry or frustrated I wills. These are I wills founded in His desire for our best. These I wills bring good things into our lives; righteousness, justice, lovingkindness and mercy, faithfulness. And it ends in intimate relationship. You shall know the Lord.
This is my life verse. Because as much as I love Him I am fallible. As much as I love Him the motivation for that love was first prompted by His love for me. There is no way I can maintain a love with my Creator without His will to hold it in place. Without His desire to be with me, to love me, to pursue me, there would be no relationship, because I wouldn't be capable of maintaining it on my own. I am weak. I find such encouragement in knowing that He has determined that He will maintain that relationship with me and nothing can change that. I am thrilled that the outcome of His love is that I will truly know Him. That is all I want, to know Him.

God's love for us is unstoppable, unquenchable, miraculous. This is a love that knows every hair on our heads, that collects our tears in bottles, that has our names graven on His hands. This is a love that never quits, that follows us to the depths and back. A love passionately, desperately in love...with us! No other love story can equal. Every other story is a mere shadow of the real one.

And so I am back to being overwhelmed. I know that I am not worthy, I know that even if I were worthy I could never earn His love. And when I remember the depths from which I was raised and the heights to which He aspires to take me I am compelled to love the way I am loved, without reservation, without expectation and in total, wild abandonment with my heart wide open.
.

Boiling it Down

This exerpt was taken from a novel I'm reading. I think it pretty much says it all.
From: Taken by Tom Pawlik

"It's not what she did so much as what she didn't do, Mr. Hayden. It's what you didn't do. Or Mitch. It's what all those who stand here (on the edge of death) neglected to do."
 
"What's that?"
Howard leaned close and whispered through his teeth, "Believe."
 
Conner felt his anger roiling. "Believe? Believe in what? You know what our world is like. You tell me what there is to believe in. You tell me what religion was worth my attention."

"Not religion, Mr. Hayden. Religions is too often mere rote and regiment. And at worst, a license to slaughter the unfaithful. No, He hates that kind of religion as much as you do." Howard shook his head and grunted. "But your species is unparalleled in its hypocrisy. How you could turn such a remarkable thing, and sublime, into something so mundane. He beckons you into His very presence - where angels fear to tread - and you contrive a myriad of obstacles to put in the way. Too often you've constructed traditions and formalities that serve more to keep others out than to usher you in. Then, when you've squeezed every drop of life and vitatlity from your worship, you sniff at the ritual you've created and blame it on Him." Howard stepped to the edge of the abyss and cast a glance downward. "Do you know how many religious souls are down there? How many people who thought they were good enough? who went through all the motions just to feel comfortable with themselves but ignored the one thing required of them."

"Perfection?" Conner scoffed.
"Humility," Howard intoned. "A penitent heart."

"There's no way to please Him. He's as cruel and uncaring as I always thought Him to be."

"Uncaring?" Howard chuckled. "For all your education and intellect, you're a great fool, aren't you? Like a man who goes to a ball game with no tickets and no wallet, no ability to pay for his admission. And yet when you arrive, you think you should just be let inside the park."

Conner peered again at the far side of the gulf and shook his head. "If he is good and loving, why is there a price to get into heaven?"

"Everything has a cost, Mr. Hayden. You of all people should understand that . And you don't have the slightest clue how great that cost was."

"What cost?"
"Redemption," Howard said and narrowed his eyes. "But then again...you don't believe in that, do you. You don't believe you need it.

The Outsiders

I was reading something the other day (so many of my light bulb moments come through something I'm reading.) Anyway, the gist of it was is that we need to confront our prejudices because we were/are all at one time foreigners from God's grace. The idea of being a foreigner stuck with me. God calls us sojourners far from home, foreigners in a land not our home. God began the nation of Israel by calling Abraham, a foreigner in the land of Ur and sent him on a wild journey with no given destination.

I thought of how when Jesus came He and the religious leaders of that time were at odds. From what I've learned the Jews of that time were under Roman rule and their idea of their Messiah was a leader who would deliver them from their heathen rulers. And yet, when He came Jesus didn't challenge the Romans, He didn't look like the Messiah they were expecting at all. Instead He challenged the religious rulers of the time. He was more concerned with heart, then circumstance. He came to save not only the Jews, but the Gentiles as well. Well, that was quite a shocking concept to a Jew. Because they kept themselves separate and considered themselves a chosen people and all of a sudden this Jesus guy is saying He's their Messiah, but they still had to obey Rome AND that he wasn't just their Savior, but also the Gentiles Savior? He came for His own and also for those outside.

I love this. I love the thought that Jesus loves outsiders and foreigners, orphans and widows without families. Those who are on the outside looking in. I love that He reaches out for the lonely and the weird. I have felt like all of those things at one point or another. It gives me comfort and strength to know that I don't have to be important or special. I can just imagine if Jesus were to have come in our day. What would He have done? Would we have overlooked Him because He didn't appear to be what we were expecting? Would He have been reaching out to the prostitutes and drug dealers on the streets? Would He have gathered with our nation's financial leaders who have managed to flush our economy down the tube? (Remember, He dined with the hated and despised tax collectors.) Would He have reached out to the outcast, alienated, just plain weird kids in our schools? What about illegal immigrants? How would He have responded to them? Would He have joined those who picketed abortion clinics and protested at gay events? How would He have reacted to our current Church leaders? Would He have said, "well done." Or would He have challenged them as He did the Pharisees in Jerusalem?

I really think God must have a special place in His heart for outsiders. Of course, Jesus was one Himself wasn't He? He didn't come like a local celebrity or national ruler. No, He defied expectation and came as an oddity. Don't you just love that God is not too big or too good to get down to our level? Even the level of the lowest of the low. None of us are outside the reach of the grace and love of Jesus.

A Convicted Murderer

I am convicted. I have been a murderer.

Let me preface this blog by saying what I share here is not a reflection on anyone or anything other than myself. I have been to some pretty dark and terrible places and most of the time I took myself there, sometimes by choice.

The other day I was listening to a cd about the power of words. The speaker was talking about our voices and what they actually transmit. It seems that someone has created the technology to map your voice. I won't get into the details, but it was pretty fascinating. Not only do our words carry power, but our voices do as well. The Bible has a LOT to say about words, it speaks of how we bless and curse our own lives with what comes out of our mouths. We have the power to choose and speak good or to destroy. It talks about the tongue being impossible to tame and many other things. I guess I ought to know because I've read/studied most of these verses. I've needed to with my big mouth. Do you know that verse in Psalms about hiding God's Word in your heart, so that we might not sin against God? Well, some piece of the Bible I had hidden in my heart came back to bite me....hard. I was sitting there listening to this cd about our voice and the power of words and all of a sudden I was reminded of the verse that says, when you hate your brother, you hold murder in your heart. (My paraphrase and don't ask me what verse that is from, b/c I'm drawing a blank)

Oh. My. God. That verse pinned me down like a worm on a fish hook. Those words alone convicted me. I was reminded of some things. Mainly, I thought about my husband. There was a time in the first years of our marriage, when I literally wished ill on him. Not out loud, but in my heart. I was so unhappy, miserable and had just plain given up. I hated my life and I hated being married. But I knew divorce was out of the question. So that left one other option. In order for me to not be married one of us needed to...cease to exist. Most days I didn't really care one way or another if it was me or him. But there were a couple of times when I dreamed up some pretty terrible accident scenarios. God forgive me.

But not only was I convicted for those dark places in my mind and heart where I literally held death, but I was also convicted for all the times when I chose curses with my tongue, when I destroyed instead of creating a safe place, when I spewed hate and anger instead of love and forgiveness, when I killed dreams instead of giving them wings. I murdered with my mouth. I sat there in my car and cried. I thought of all the times when I blamed my husband when in reality it was me all along who nurtured anger. I thought of the times when he shared his heart with me, his dreams for our life and all I could do was nail his feet down to solid earth instead of letting him fly. I thought of all those times when we argued about something and I lashed out at him with my tongue saying horrible hateful things. I thought about the death and destruction I brought on myself and my husband, who I love, and I mourned for the unknown losses I have caused. I thought long and hard about how different our life today might be if I had chosen to not only bite my tongue, but to choose to speak good things. I asked God to forgive me, I asked Him to heal the wounds and the damage I had/have caused, I asked Him to have mercy and to restore that which I had broken and destroyed with my own words. And we (God and I) didn't stop there. He also pointed out to me a couple of other specific situations and people that I had wreaked havoc on with my tongue. And I cried some more. But then He forgave me. And I asked God to help me choose life from now on.

Hello, my name is Brittaney and I was a convicted murderer, but now I am forgiven and I choose life

Willing to be Ruined

It's a sad fact of life and most of us live our lives in denial of it. Our choices and decisions directly affect those around us, whether we mean them to or not. Sometimes our choices affect perfect strangers. It's an ironic chain reaction. We all want to think that we live in a bubble and that the world revolves around us.  We say things like , "It's my life and I'll do what I want." And we don't give a second thought to the results of living our lives the way we please. We then look around at our world and wonder why it is so screwed up. We want to cry for those directly impacted by violence and war, by natural disasters and we should cry. But we should also remember that alot of bad things are a direct result of somebody's or a collective somebodies choices. We want to blame God for the consequences of living our lives without His guidance. How on earth can we advocate our right to free will and freedom to choose and decide our life and than argue against it when somebody uses their free will for evil. I do not agree, support or condone, child abuse, extreme poverty, crimes against humanity and etc., but they are a result of somebody's free will. Unfortunately most of the time our free will imposes its' consequences not only on us but on innocent bystanders.

So to come to my point. I am willing to be ruined.

I'm not perfect and I act selfishly a lot of times. I know that when I choose my own way that sometimes other people are negatively affected by my choices. But here is my quandary. I can choose for myself, but I have no control over how someone else's decisions affect me. There is someone I care about who is making choices that I don't agree with. Not only do I not agree with them, but their choices are negatively and directly impacting me. So, what do I do? I have made my point of view clear to this person and while they listened to me they continued on their same course of action. Some of these choices could have severe consequences not only for them, but also for me. I haven't discounted the power of prayer or the love of God in this person's life. I believe God could work in this person's heart and turn the situation around. But here's the catch. I was praying for mercy and rescue for this person (and also somewhat selfishly for myself) and while I believe God is more than capable of intervening, here is another scenario. What if God chooses to allow this person (and indirectly me) to suffer the consequences of their decisions? What if He doesn't ride in to save the day? What if in the long term and God's big picture it is better for this person to reap the consequences, learn and grow from them and possibly avoid something worse down the road? I know that sounds kind of crazy, because we mostly believe God is loving and kind. But we also don't know the future. God does. It might seem cruel for Him to not ride in and rescue us at the time, when in reality He could be using the situation to save us from something even worse down the road. So, am I willing to be ruined? Am I willing to allow God to work His will in this person's life, even if it means we both suffer the consequences? In this case, I'm somewhat of an innocent bystander, I didn't have any say, but I will still be affected. Am I willing to be ruined? Yes. I don't say that lightly and I have just come to the place in this particular situation with this particular individual where I can say I'm willing if it means God will be able to reach them through the mess. I don't know that I could say that for anyone else or any other circumstance, but I believe maybe God has given me the grace to go through the storm with my friend. If it comes to that, it may not. But I am willing to lay down my life, my needs, my free will. I am willing to be a broken vessel, an open conduit for God. And that's tough. But here is why. One, I love this person, and two I love God. Because I love God, I trust Him. I'll be honest, I really don't have the faith to believe in this particular instance, but I trust God, and I will trust Him blindly and leap out into the great wide open. If He can use me to show His love for someone else then I will allow myself to be broken/ruined.

Why?

There are a couple of why questions in life that everyone runs into sooner or later. One of these questions is, why am I here? I'm not even going to attempt to answer that one. I think the answer to that question is unique to each individual and since I still haven't figured out the answer for myself, I'm just going to leave it alone. Besides, not having the answer frustrates me. The other question most of us ask is why do bad things happen. Or more accurately, why does God allow bad things to happen? Whether we challenge the idea of God, doubt God or just wing it on blind faith, we all want to know why God doesn't keep bad things from happening. I ask this question myself. And even though I partially understand, the answer I have just brings up more questions, so I'm not going to share it with you. But believe me, I still wonder.

Why does a wife and mother die within months of her diagnosis of cancer, even though everyone she knows is praying for her healing?

Why are young innocent children terrorized and vicitmized everyday?

Why does my good friend struggle with Multiple Sclerosis. The last time I called her she wasn't even able to talk to me on the phone. One of her friends there had to try to relay what she thought my friend was saying. I cried.

Why do natural disasters occur and wipe out large portions of a population?

Why are there people who are neglected, ignored and feeling unloved, living all around us?

Why are there millions living in poverty and disease, unable to get basic economic help and medical care?

Why,why, why? These questions go on and on. I'm sure if we kept track, we could fill books full of questions.

But...here is what I do know.

Simply put, I trust God. I don't always understand why things happen the way the do or why the happen, but regardless, I believe that God is faithful. I believe that God loves us. So when I can't answer the question why, I believe God is working for good on my behalf.

Also, I believe God loves us. I believe it is His will to give us the best, to mold us into the best people we can be. Because He loves us, I believe that He is right there beside us grieving along with us at all the heartache, the pain, the chaos, the evil in the world. Why doesn't He fix it? Immediately? I don't know, but I know, that it grieves Him even more than it does us. I don't know, but I know, that it grieves Him even more than it does us. Because God is love, His capacity for love is beyond what we can measure, so his capacity to be hurt, to be wounded, to mourn is also beyond our capacity to do the same.

Here's another thing I know. Grace balances out sin. "Where sin abounds grace abounds much more." So for every time we ask why bad things happen, God goodness is at work. How do I know this? I know that there are many people I've prayed for or seen prayed for who were not healed the way they expected or who died. But I know my husband was healed of cancer. I know there are children who are abused and neglected, but I've personally experienced and even see other children who are raised in homes/environments where they are showered with love and praise. I know that natural disasters occur and that people live in poverty and disease, but I also have seen these things motivate others to give of their time, energy and resources in reaching out to make things better for those who have less. There is never as much good done or time, love and caring given as after a tragedy occurs or is discovered. And I know that even though the wife and mother I knew died, she finally came to know Jesus, something her family had been praying for her for many years. That in itself was a miracle in the midst of a heartbreak.

So when I want to ask why, I remember these things. Even though evil, pain and suffering are at work, God's mercy, love and goodness are also at work.

Perspective on Christmas

Christmas. Just the word makes me giddy. It conjures up images of warmth, smiling people, singing carols, hot chocolate or apple cider, gift cozily nestled under a tree, lights of all shapes and colors, so much warmth in a cold season. Alot of the things we do to celebrate Christmas are symbolic of the reason for Christmas. Yet, the meaning of Christmas easily gets drowned out. Almost everyone is familiar with the Christmas story, even those who don't believe in Jesus know about the nativity. I think more people know the Christmas story than know the origin and story of Santa Claus who is also a figure of the season. But so many of us know the story of the birth of Jesus and are so familiar with it, that it almost loses it's significance to us. What's the saying? Familiarity breeds contempt? Well I don't think any one holds contempt toward the story of Jesus birth, but it almost becomes just a story to us.  Like it is only a story. We have a tendency to not relate to things that don't directly touch us or affect us. When we hear of a tragedy in some far off country or to people we don't know, we feel badly, but we don't connect to it because it seems unreal in a sense, like it could never happen to us. Just like the story of Christmas. We know it, but we don't always connect, we don't grasp the reality of it. That every part of what the Bible tells us is true. That the miraculous happened and lived among us. I think I mentioned this in one of my previous blogs, but I read a comment lately that I just cannot get out of my head. I've been mulling it over and over. The statement made was basically that Christmas was D-Day in Heaven. D-Day. We all know what that day is to us. It speaks of the invasion of Normandy during WWII. Invasion as in war, as in two sides, two different points of view, two militarys in conflict with each other. I've never associated that concept with Christmas before. We picture Christmas as a day of happiness, peace on earth, goodwill to men and all that goes along with that. But if you think about the D-Day concept you will realize that what was a proclamation of peace on earth for us, was an act/declaration of war in the heavens. And so I think about how that must be.

Keeping with the idea of D-Day, I think of Heaven. I think of God. I remember the purpose with which man was created. To have a relationship with God. He could have been friends with the angels, but He wanted something more, someone to love and someone who would return His love, so He created us. With passion and purpose, He set about not only creating mankind, but also creating a home for us, a place called earth. But then mankind rejected God. Did that stop Him? No. He set about pursuing us, chasing us, trying not only to win us back, but also to win back our affections, our hearts and our home, earth. God wasn't caught off guard when mankind rejected him and chose to be deceived by Satan. He wasn't worried that we might never be together with Him again. No. He had a plan. A Lamb that was slain from the foundations of the world. So you can only imagine what it must have been like in Heaven the day Jesus was born. The anticipation, the excitement. Finally, after centuries of planning, after centuries of perfecting His strategy, God sent His son to our planet. Was He a little nervous, I wonder? Did He worry at all about His son being enveloped in the body of an infant. How must Jesus have felt? To travel from Heaven, where He sat at the right hand of God, commanded angels, was surrounded by the glory of God, to come to earth, become one of us, and live in our much more inferior home. Was there an actual war in the heavens, demons fighting angels, to try to prevent God coming to earth? I think God must have been not only proud, but full of joy that night. After all, He and the rest of Heaven couldn't keep the excitement to themselves. The angels burst forth in song to the shepherds and God filled the night sky with a star so bright that kings, kings! from lands outside of Israel left their homes to follow it.

Speaking of demons, what kind of day did hell have that day. Did they know that the baby being born was God's son? If they did know, were they in a rage? According to the Bible, authority over the earth was given to Satan, by Adam and Eve when they were deceived in the Garden. So hell regards earth as it's possession. (Although, part of God's plan is to win back the dominion of earth and give it back to mankind) Here, Heaven was invading earth! Hell's stolen territory. I can just imagine all of hell in an uproar. How dare God invade their territory! How dare He try to rescue mankind! The audacity. Were they already planning how to kill God who was now within their grasp being on earth and within the human body? Did they attack that day? The Bible doesn't record every single event of the day of the birth of Jesus. Is it possible that hell might have tried to get at Mary, who was carrying God within her? I don't know, but it is possible.

And finally, I come back to us. Mankind. What did that day truly mean for us? Up until that night, God had been silent for over 400 years. 400 years! No one in all of the world had heard God in all that time. Yet, Israel held onto their faith and the promise that God would send a Savior, a Deliverer. I think if God hadn't spoken to us in 400 years, I would probably be completely discouraged and question whether God even existed, or if He had given up on mankind alltogether. I would probably lose my faith. But God answered His own silence with the most miraculous voice ever. The sound of angels singing and the sound of a baby. The birth of God as man. Alot of people think of God as being remote, uninvolved in our world. Some people think of God as someone who is angry with us, or sitting up on His throne waiting for us to screw up so He can judge us and send us to hell. But the exact opposite is true. The history of Christmas proves it. We have a God who is none of the above. We have a God who wanted us back so badly that He came to get us. He became one of us. One of us! That means not only does He know us because He created us, but he now knows us because He lived as we do. He lived a life where he had a job, where he lived under an enemy government (Rome had conquered Israel), he lived the things we live in our everyday lives. Imagine, Christmas day. God's eternal plan set in motion. God's love for us taking human form. God so desperate to restore relationship with us that He became one of us. God invading enemy territory, knowing that eventually it would lead to His death. God giving up all of Heaven for a time, so that we could have all of Heaven for always.

How to Have an Affair

I've always wondered how it is possible to have a love affair with Someone that you can't see, or touch, or hear, or feel. How can Someone that can't be measured by my senses be more real and closer to me than the people I have lived with, and practiced loving with my heart for years. I'll admit, growing up in church you hear some pretty strange and sometimes unbelievable things. I've heard people say that they are in love with Jesus. That has just always sounded crazy to me. Okay, so I was a scoffer, I labeled those people fanatical freaks.  And while I wanted to know Jesus I certainly never wanted anyone to think of me as some kind of fanatic. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to stay in my comfort zone, having a relationship with Jesus that was calm and undercover enough to still allow me to seem normal to others.

So then of course what happens? Somehow my heart gets opened wide enough for God to settle right in there and show me how much I am loved and all of a sudden I'm a certified fanatic. Oh well, it's not as bad as I thought. In fact, it's ten times better. How do you have a love affair with this kind of a Someone?(Really, affair is not quite the right term, but on the other hand it makes it sound as thrilling as it is.) Well, I can't see God's face but I see his creation all around me. A creation that sreams out beauty and grace, creativity and genius. I see His love for me in my life, in the friends and family He has blessed me with. Those people who are placed in my life for a purpose. To encourage me when I'm discouraged, to bear me up when I'm down, to share the burdens of life. I see Him everyday. Not only can I see evidence of God everywhere, but I hear Him. One sure place I hear Him is in His Word, that Word which says that nothing can separate me from His love, that I am worthy of the greatest sacrifice, that He sees and knows my heart. I also hear Him as I speak to Him. He talks back. Quite a novel idea, conversation! I talk to Him throughout the day. Sometimes I tell Him that He did a really good job with the sunset or that I love the colors that He chose to use for spring. Sometimes I tell Him I'm sorry for calling the driver in front of me and idiot and/or asshole. Other times I tell Him how thankful I am, or how sad I am or I ask for help. And I always tell Him when my husband is driving me crazy and please could He work on that? Sometimes He just listens and sometimes He speaks back to my heart or through a loved one. Lately He's been talking to me a lot through the books I read. Probably because it's the best way to get my attention. Sometimes I think I can hear Him laughing with me or laughing at my silliness. I can be so ridiculously silly when I know that it's just me and only God around. I'm still working on the touch aspect. Because although I am touched at certain things, I do miss the actual physical touch. I love to be touched. When I was little and my dad was out of town for some meeting or other, he would always call home to say goodnight. He would tell me, "Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze real tight. Tighter than that. C'mon real tight! Okay, that was me giving you a hug." So sometimes, I'll squeeze myself really tight, extra tight and pretend it's God, my Father giving me a hug. Or I'll close my eyes and picture myself walking right into the throne room, past all the angels and the other people there, right up to the Father on the throne and I just crawl up on His lap and let Him hold me. And I just picture myself sitting there, while He holds me and heavenly business continues on with no one thinking it strange that I am sitting in God's lap. Or if I'm upset or sad and need comfort right then and there, I'll hold my Bible to my chest like some kind of teddy bear and squeeze it tightly and just imagine those words in that book coming to life and silently streaming into my heart.

It's kind of strange that nobody calls you a fanatic if you are in love with your spouse.  Come to think of it, it seems a parent's love is even more intense than that and no one calls a parent crazy for loving a child too much.  I call my mom one of my best friend's and nobody finds that too strange either. But God is all those things in one and if saying I am in love with Him, that He is my life, all there is, makes me a fanatic, then start the name calling.

Shadow

You are light and yet you are my Shadow.
You follow me as if I am the love of your life
Indeed I am bound to you by gentle cords of Love
I may cut those cords or deny them, yet you never leave
No matter how far I wander you are always there.
No matter how often I stray I am never out of your sight.
You follow me on wings of morning
You even follow me into the very depths of hell.
You are close enough to catch every one of my tears in a bottle.
And to know the number of hairs on my head
I can push you away, out of my life and still you never cease wooing me home.
You are my shadow

because
of
this...

I am your shadow
For you are my life
Indeed though it is through you I live, yet you live through me
I breathe in your very breath of Heaven and it is you who breathes out
Your strength is mine, for your love sustains me
I look to follow where you lead
Yes, I would not take a step without your hand guiding me
I follow looking for glimpses of your face
I listen, hanging on your every word.
Though I am not as faithuful as you, my heart wants to be.
Though I may wander and stray, my eyes always search for you
Because you are my Shadow, I am yours.