This summer has been...interesting. God and I have been in a bit of a tussle. Not so much a me against Him tussle, but more of a wrestling with things we have been discussing between ourselves.
Everyone is pretty familiar with the verse, "Greater love has no man than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." It sounds so beautiful and it is so easy to say, "Ok God, I'm willing." But then we come to the hard part, what does that mean? To lay down your life? And if God really asked it of us, could we truly give it up?
I've been reading through Samuel. I'm in the first book still which tells the story of Saul and then goes into the story of the great biblical hero, David. But do you know whose story has grabbed my attention this time? Jonathan. I think he just might be my new favorite Bible person. His story has been completely overshadowed. I've been thinking about how he lived his life. His father was the first king of Israel and he should have been next in the line of succession, but instead he willingly gave up his right to the throne in favor of David. David! He befriended a little shepherd boy who had been chosen by God to be king in his place. Do you know Jonathan had God's favor too? In fact, before David came on the scene and killed Goliath, Jonathan took on the Philistines with just his armor-bearer and started killing Philistines, left and right until Saul decided to join him with his army. Before that, that particular battle with the Philistines had been at a standstill, with Israel and Philistia camped across from each other, neither willing to advance. Jonathan had common sense and character. Even though he befriended the boy who was to be king in his place, he still tried to honor his father Saul, who was trying to kill David. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Once David was annointed to be king, Saul went crazy, being tormented by evil spirits and chasing David around the wilderness for years trying to kill him. He even tried to kill Jonathan his own son. And yet Jonathan honored him. We don't know much else about Jonathan's life other then where it intersected with Saul's and David's. Eventually, Jonathan was killed in battle. Saul made stupid choices and took himself and his sons into a battle that got them killed. And then Saul commmitted suicide.
I'm just amazed by Jonathan's life. We all want to do great things. We all want to be someone important. Nobody chooses as a life goal to be the "behind-the-scenes" person. You know the one that does the work, who takes care of the small details, the one who supports the decision maker so that they can take all the credit? And yet Jonathan was a "behind the scenes" person. He laid down his life, the right to the throne. He chose to love the person who would be king instead of him, he chose to obey and honor his crazy father. He rode into battle with his father and got himself killed. And yet we go on and on about David. The big hero, the guy after God's own heart. Yes, David was admirable, but seriously have you read his whole story? The guy had issues! Anyway, I've been thinking about how Jonathan could have felt. How I would have felt in his shoes. Would I have laid it all down? Would I have been willing to give up a throne? Would I have been willing to be a minor character in the main story? Would I have handled it with the humility and integrity that he did?
So that brings me back to laying down my life. How willing am I? It is so easy during prayer, or a moving moment to make that promise. We say, "yes, God, whatever you want, I'll give it all" and then He asks us for some small thing and we act shocked and all of a sudden we are not so willing. Well God and I have been tussling. I asked some questions and He gave me some answers. And they were hard answers. But it is up to me to decide if I'm going to follow God's plan or not. Am I willing? Can I lay down my life? Can I lay down that thing which I love most? Can I put into His hands and walk away without that thing which has largely formed my identity, that thing which I willingly wrapped my whole life around? Can I give it up without knowing if I will ever get it back? Can I walk away an empty slate, fresh for God to write my true identity on? I have chosen yes. Now I am waiting on God's answer of how to do that. I will be moving forward one day at a time with no plan for the next month, the next week or even the next day. I am leaping blindly and I trust, no actually I'm not there yet, I hope that He catches me. I have to be honest. I am more than a tad bit scared. What if it doesn't work out the way I think it should? Do I trust God enough to believe His plan is the best. What if I lose for good the life I am giving up? What if I realize what I built my life around was false? That the thing I love the most was never real? Will I be able to let go? What if people think I'm downright bonkers? Right now I have numerous questions, but not many answers. All I know is that blind faith and laying down your life is even harder than it sounds and downright petrifying. But I am determined to follow Him no matter what the cost.
So...here goes..
“I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.” Mother Theresa
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The Stones
One of my favorite things in the world to collect is memories. I firmly believe in investing not only time, but effort in creating something worth remembering. I can get 1000 smiles out of one good memory. In my family we are all very fond of remembering. There was the time my dad played a trick on my Grandpa during a card game, or my Grandma's expression of "by crackey!" that set us all off on a particularly long good laugh. These are the things of our family lore. My husband teases me because I end up telling the same stories over and over again. But that is what we do in my family. We repeat our best times over and over to each other and enjoy them without the joy diminishing with the re-telling. Memories are jewels in the treasure box of life. (How's that for cheesy?) A good memory is something that cannot be stolen, but brings happiness and comfort throughout life.
That is one of the things I love about God! We have this in common. He also is fond of remembering. I looked up the word remember in the Bible Concordance the other day and found numerous references to the word remember. There are many places in the Bible where it talks of God remembering. Many times, this is a signal for a miracle, because it means a blessing or good thing is about to follow. God remembering His promises to His people, or God remembering His covenant with us which thus spares us the consequences of His wrath towards sin. But there are also many times that the word remember is a command given by God. He tells us to remember. Remember what He has done for us, remember what He has promised us, remember the battles He has fought on our behalf, remember, remember, remember. I've been reading in the Old Testament again and came across a passage where God fought a battle for Israel and sent their enemy scattered without them having to step onto the battlefield. Following this one-sided victory Samuel sets a stone in the place where the battle was won as a way of remembering. You see that many times in the Old Testament, particularly with the Patriarchs. They were forever erecting stone altars and piles then renaming the area as a way of marking the place where God showed up. And from then on anytime that place is mentioned in the Bible it is referenced by it's new name and the reminder that God's presence had been there. One of my favorite stories of this is the place where Jacob set up stones to remind him of where he had wrestled all night with an angel of God. Can you imagine? It must have been somewhat like our road signs. Any one passing by would see that stone pillar and would remember the story of Jacob.
After pondering on this, I began to think about my "stone markers." What have I set aside in my memory to mark the places where God has been. How do I remind myself of the times where I have experienced His presence, or where He has acted on my behalf? I believe that God's command to remember must be very important for Him to consistently reiterate it throughout the Bible. Why is it so important to God for us to remember? I believe it is because we are human and seem to have short memories. Something incredible and God-inspired happens to us and at the time we bask in it thinking that we will always remember that moment. But life moves on and we get bogged down in the difficulties and challenges that confront us. And all of a sudden we are grumbling and complaining, perhaps questioning God and wrestling with our faith. Oh, we are so easily distracted and so soon forget. God delivered the Jews out of Egypt with spectacular miracles and undeniable wonders and in the short period of time following they began to complain and doubt. It didn't take long at all and they were whining about trivial things such as food and water and the armies of Egypt. They had just been part of a major miracle and yet lacked the faith in God to meet their daily needs.
I also believe God calls us to remember because it pleases Him. I know how much pleasure I receive when someone recalls something nice that I had done for them. It lets me know that what I did had value and that the person on the receiving end appreciated it. Which in turn makes me more inclined to want to do it again. I can only imagine the pleasure God must get when we recall the good things He has done for us, especially since we are so much more prone to ask for His help then to give gratitude for what He has already done for us. We are so demanding. We treat God like He is our servant or magic genie, here for our pleasure rather than we are his servants here for His pleasure. How sad that must make Him, when all He wants to do is love us and all we want to do is take from Him. Like a spoiled children we are. How it must grieve Him.
I also think that God commands us to remember for the sake of others. When we remember His goodness for us by telling others of what He has done for us, it brings Him glory and gives others hope. I know many times when I have been discouraged, someone will tell me about a time when God did something for them and it immediately bolsters my faith. We all need these reminders. We hear so much negative in our world and so little good. A good memory is like a breath of fresh air.
So again, I asked myself where are my stones? Am I remembering all the times the love of God has impacted my life? Or do I look on those times as my expected due, lacking gratitude for His grace and mercy. Am I spreading God's glory by reminding others of His goodness? Am I truly thankful for His daily miracles? Although I know I can always do a better job of being thankful I would like to answer yes to this question. If I pause and think, I can remember innumerable instances of God's blessings. I look back on the path I have journeyed and it is strewn, covered in the stones of remembrance. He has been incredibly generous and good to me and in so doing has made my life more beautiful. Much like a person taking a quiet stroll along the beach, I am collecting stones, remembrances of His love. I then place these in a particular spot where I met His presence and walk on, leaving altars of His love for others to stumble across
That is one of the things I love about God! We have this in common. He also is fond of remembering. I looked up the word remember in the Bible Concordance the other day and found numerous references to the word remember. There are many places in the Bible where it talks of God remembering. Many times, this is a signal for a miracle, because it means a blessing or good thing is about to follow. God remembering His promises to His people, or God remembering His covenant with us which thus spares us the consequences of His wrath towards sin. But there are also many times that the word remember is a command given by God. He tells us to remember. Remember what He has done for us, remember what He has promised us, remember the battles He has fought on our behalf, remember, remember, remember. I've been reading in the Old Testament again and came across a passage where God fought a battle for Israel and sent their enemy scattered without them having to step onto the battlefield. Following this one-sided victory Samuel sets a stone in the place where the battle was won as a way of remembering. You see that many times in the Old Testament, particularly with the Patriarchs. They were forever erecting stone altars and piles then renaming the area as a way of marking the place where God showed up. And from then on anytime that place is mentioned in the Bible it is referenced by it's new name and the reminder that God's presence had been there. One of my favorite stories of this is the place where Jacob set up stones to remind him of where he had wrestled all night with an angel of God. Can you imagine? It must have been somewhat like our road signs. Any one passing by would see that stone pillar and would remember the story of Jacob.
After pondering on this, I began to think about my "stone markers." What have I set aside in my memory to mark the places where God has been. How do I remind myself of the times where I have experienced His presence, or where He has acted on my behalf? I believe that God's command to remember must be very important for Him to consistently reiterate it throughout the Bible. Why is it so important to God for us to remember? I believe it is because we are human and seem to have short memories. Something incredible and God-inspired happens to us and at the time we bask in it thinking that we will always remember that moment. But life moves on and we get bogged down in the difficulties and challenges that confront us. And all of a sudden we are grumbling and complaining, perhaps questioning God and wrestling with our faith. Oh, we are so easily distracted and so soon forget. God delivered the Jews out of Egypt with spectacular miracles and undeniable wonders and in the short period of time following they began to complain and doubt. It didn't take long at all and they were whining about trivial things such as food and water and the armies of Egypt. They had just been part of a major miracle and yet lacked the faith in God to meet their daily needs.
I also believe God calls us to remember because it pleases Him. I know how much pleasure I receive when someone recalls something nice that I had done for them. It lets me know that what I did had value and that the person on the receiving end appreciated it. Which in turn makes me more inclined to want to do it again. I can only imagine the pleasure God must get when we recall the good things He has done for us, especially since we are so much more prone to ask for His help then to give gratitude for what He has already done for us. We are so demanding. We treat God like He is our servant or magic genie, here for our pleasure rather than we are his servants here for His pleasure. How sad that must make Him, when all He wants to do is love us and all we want to do is take from Him. Like a spoiled children we are. How it must grieve Him.
I also think that God commands us to remember for the sake of others. When we remember His goodness for us by telling others of what He has done for us, it brings Him glory and gives others hope. I know many times when I have been discouraged, someone will tell me about a time when God did something for them and it immediately bolsters my faith. We all need these reminders. We hear so much negative in our world and so little good. A good memory is like a breath of fresh air.
So again, I asked myself where are my stones? Am I remembering all the times the love of God has impacted my life? Or do I look on those times as my expected due, lacking gratitude for His grace and mercy. Am I spreading God's glory by reminding others of His goodness? Am I truly thankful for His daily miracles? Although I know I can always do a better job of being thankful I would like to answer yes to this question. If I pause and think, I can remember innumerable instances of God's blessings. I look back on the path I have journeyed and it is strewn, covered in the stones of remembrance. He has been incredibly generous and good to me and in so doing has made my life more beautiful. Much like a person taking a quiet stroll along the beach, I am collecting stones, remembrances of His love. I then place these in a particular spot where I met His presence and walk on, leaving altars of His love for others to stumble across
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Mystery
I'm one of those people that cheats and reads the back of the book first. I enjoy movies more after having seen them once, because then I know how they are going to end. In fact if someone has already seen the movie I will ask them to tell me how it ends. I like knowing how something is going to turn out. I like to plan. Although I can enjoy a surprise it also disconcerts me. I like knowing the answers, especially the right answers.
But some part of me is changing. I know longer mind so much not having the answers, because that means that I can explore ideas. It means that there is room to consider many options. I no longer mind being challenged by others whose opinions are different from mine. In fact, I find it exhilirating, not because I want to argue or debate, but because I like to challenge my own beliefs to determine how true and fundamental they really are. It is thrilling to be set free from a belief that I can no longer sustain because it was solely based on tradition and not truth. It is just as thrilling to learn that a particular belief is even further enforced in me because I find it true.
Lately I've been pondering God and His mysteries. People like to ask the why questions about God. Why does He allow pain and suffering? Why does He not intervene when we think He should? Why did He put me here/in a particular environment or circumstance etc. I'm sure we all have many why questions. This used to both bother and threaten me when there was no obvious and easy answer. The lack of an answer suggesting that perhaps God didn't care or maybe I just couldn't hear His answer which meant that there must be something wrong with me. But lately I have "let go." I have abandoned the idea that everything must have a reason or a logic we can relate to. I have discarded the idea that just because God doesn't answer the why questions means that there must not be an answer. I have begun to embrace the idea that maybe He doesn't answer all the why's because He prefers a little bit of mystery. Much like an early dating relationship, perhaps He prefers not to share everything about Himself because He is waiting to see how much we really want to know Him personally. Are we in for the long haul, or are we playing games? Perhaps God likes to be pursued. Perhaps we find the challenge of pursuing answers and at the same time pursuing Him keeps us interested and the relationship exciting? Would we be bored if God gave us all the answers up front? Would we lose interest in the chase if we knew how it all ended?
The Bible talks of God's mysteries. I always skipped over those verses because I didn't understand or relate to them and that frustrated me. But now I'm finding that those mysteries are exciting. People are drawn into a story with mystery. They commit to a story with mystery because they want to know how it ends. No one likes to leave something unanswered. God leaving some things a mystery even when He knows the answer is a little like leading a donkey with a carrot. (We are the donkey of course : )
I am learning to love it! I am seeing God's mysteriousness as a grand adventure. A treasure hunt. Here's a little clue, what does it mean? Lightbulb moment! Then rushing on to the next clue, not knowing where it will lead. Who really wants to know the story of their life beforehand anyway. Life isn't really all that interesting if we already know how our life will play out. But God makes it an adventure. And the mystery and adventure makes the growing we go through more fun. Plus, who needs faith if we know the answer to the whys?
But some part of me is changing. I know longer mind so much not having the answers, because that means that I can explore ideas. It means that there is room to consider many options. I no longer mind being challenged by others whose opinions are different from mine. In fact, I find it exhilirating, not because I want to argue or debate, but because I like to challenge my own beliefs to determine how true and fundamental they really are. It is thrilling to be set free from a belief that I can no longer sustain because it was solely based on tradition and not truth. It is just as thrilling to learn that a particular belief is even further enforced in me because I find it true.
Lately I've been pondering God and His mysteries. People like to ask the why questions about God. Why does He allow pain and suffering? Why does He not intervene when we think He should? Why did He put me here/in a particular environment or circumstance etc. I'm sure we all have many why questions. This used to both bother and threaten me when there was no obvious and easy answer. The lack of an answer suggesting that perhaps God didn't care or maybe I just couldn't hear His answer which meant that there must be something wrong with me. But lately I have "let go." I have abandoned the idea that everything must have a reason or a logic we can relate to. I have discarded the idea that just because God doesn't answer the why questions means that there must not be an answer. I have begun to embrace the idea that maybe He doesn't answer all the why's because He prefers a little bit of mystery. Much like an early dating relationship, perhaps He prefers not to share everything about Himself because He is waiting to see how much we really want to know Him personally. Are we in for the long haul, or are we playing games? Perhaps God likes to be pursued. Perhaps we find the challenge of pursuing answers and at the same time pursuing Him keeps us interested and the relationship exciting? Would we be bored if God gave us all the answers up front? Would we lose interest in the chase if we knew how it all ended?
The Bible talks of God's mysteries. I always skipped over those verses because I didn't understand or relate to them and that frustrated me. But now I'm finding that those mysteries are exciting. People are drawn into a story with mystery. They commit to a story with mystery because they want to know how it ends. No one likes to leave something unanswered. God leaving some things a mystery even when He knows the answer is a little like leading a donkey with a carrot. (We are the donkey of course : )
I am learning to love it! I am seeing God's mysteriousness as a grand adventure. A treasure hunt. Here's a little clue, what does it mean? Lightbulb moment! Then rushing on to the next clue, not knowing where it will lead. Who really wants to know the story of their life beforehand anyway. Life isn't really all that interesting if we already know how our life will play out. But God makes it an adventure. And the mystery and adventure makes the growing we go through more fun. Plus, who needs faith if we know the answer to the whys?
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wide Open
My heart is split wide open. And it seems to be a permanent condition.
How could it not be? I am constantly reminded of God's great love for me. When I start feeling sorry for myself, when I start to question if others love or care about me, when I question how long, when I wonder if my life will ever have a purpose He comes in and sweeps me off of my feet. And I am reminded that no matter the answer to any of those questions, the only answer that matters is that Jesus loves me. And that answer so overwhelms me everytime that my heart is left beating, pulsing His love, drowning me and all my doubts. What is left is an open, tender universe that spills out the excess of that love into my life. It colors everything in my world with light. And I am vulnerable but strong. I could not survive, no I couldn't exist without His love for me and without the knowledge that He loves me. Nothing else matters.
I am constantly surprised how so many people miss God's love for them. I am ever reminded. Every where I look I see evidence of it. I am a romantic at heart. I would venture to call myself an extreme romantic and for some reason am slightly ashamed of that. But I love a good love story. I love a story of desperation met with redemption. I love stories of focused pursuit. In fact I read those kinds of stories myself and get a little thrill out of them. But there is no bigger love story than that of God pursuing His creation.
I was doing one of my Bible studies this week and the question was asked, "What do you consider your life's verse?" I had to think about it for a minute, because obviously there are so many great verses in the Bible that I love. But then I remembered. I love the book of Hosea. I'm not sure that there are many who would say that being it is one of those old testament prophet books. But it has to hold one of my favorite love stories in the Bible. If you are unfamiliar with it, God told the prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute called Gomer. She kept straying from the marriage, but Hosea would go out and seek her and bring her back. They even had children together. God intended for Hosea's life to be a picture of His relationship with His own people. We/I am the prostitute in God's story. I am easily distracted by temporary shallow things. I wander from home and try to fulfill my own needs. I place others before God and yet He comes after me as Hosea did, and carries me home. He never gives up. He is undeterred by my faithlessness, my lack of respect for myself or for Him. He loves me in all my filth. So then this verse sums it up for me;
Hosea 2:19-2019“ I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me
In righteousness and justice,
In lovingkindness and mercy;
20I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,
And you shall know the LORD.
When I read that verse I see the I wills. And they are all God's. He will, He will, He will. The determination in our relationship is all on His side. It doesn't depend on me. There is passion and longing in so many I wills. He is determined. And that determination plays out in love and goodness. These are not angry or frustrated I wills. These are I wills founded in His desire for our best. These I wills bring good things into our lives; righteousness, justice, lovingkindness and mercy, faithfulness. And it ends in intimate relationship. You shall know the Lord.
This is my life verse. Because as much as I love Him I am fallible. As much as I love Him the motivation for that love was first prompted by His love for me. There is no way I can maintain a love with my Creator without His will to hold it in place. Without His desire to be with me, to love me, to pursue me, there would be no relationship, because I wouldn't be capable of maintaining it on my own. I am weak. I find such encouragement in knowing that He has determined that He will maintain that relationship with me and nothing can change that. I am thrilled that the outcome of His love is that I will truly know Him. That is all I want, to know Him.
God's love for us is unstoppable, unquenchable, miraculous. This is a love that knows every hair on our heads, that collects our tears in bottles, that has our names graven on His hands. This is a love that never quits, that follows us to the depths and back. A love passionately, desperately in love...with us! No other love story can equal. Every other story is a mere shadow of the real one.
And so I am back to being overwhelmed. I know that I am not worthy, I know that even if I were worthy I could never earn His love. And when I remember the depths from which I was raised and the heights to which He aspires to take me I am compelled to love the way I am loved, without reservation, without expectation and in total, wild abandonment with my heart wide open.
.
How could it not be? I am constantly reminded of God's great love for me. When I start feeling sorry for myself, when I start to question if others love or care about me, when I question how long, when I wonder if my life will ever have a purpose He comes in and sweeps me off of my feet. And I am reminded that no matter the answer to any of those questions, the only answer that matters is that Jesus loves me. And that answer so overwhelms me everytime that my heart is left beating, pulsing His love, drowning me and all my doubts. What is left is an open, tender universe that spills out the excess of that love into my life. It colors everything in my world with light. And I am vulnerable but strong. I could not survive, no I couldn't exist without His love for me and without the knowledge that He loves me. Nothing else matters.
I am constantly surprised how so many people miss God's love for them. I am ever reminded. Every where I look I see evidence of it. I am a romantic at heart. I would venture to call myself an extreme romantic and for some reason am slightly ashamed of that. But I love a good love story. I love a story of desperation met with redemption. I love stories of focused pursuit. In fact I read those kinds of stories myself and get a little thrill out of them. But there is no bigger love story than that of God pursuing His creation.
I was doing one of my Bible studies this week and the question was asked, "What do you consider your life's verse?" I had to think about it for a minute, because obviously there are so many great verses in the Bible that I love. But then I remembered. I love the book of Hosea. I'm not sure that there are many who would say that being it is one of those old testament prophet books. But it has to hold one of my favorite love stories in the Bible. If you are unfamiliar with it, God told the prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute called Gomer. She kept straying from the marriage, but Hosea would go out and seek her and bring her back. They even had children together. God intended for Hosea's life to be a picture of His relationship with His own people. We/I am the prostitute in God's story. I am easily distracted by temporary shallow things. I wander from home and try to fulfill my own needs. I place others before God and yet He comes after me as Hosea did, and carries me home. He never gives up. He is undeterred by my faithlessness, my lack of respect for myself or for Him. He loves me in all my filth. So then this verse sums it up for me;
Hosea 2:19-2019“ I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me
In righteousness and justice,
In lovingkindness and mercy;
20I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,
And you shall know the LORD.
When I read that verse I see the I wills. And they are all God's. He will, He will, He will. The determination in our relationship is all on His side. It doesn't depend on me. There is passion and longing in so many I wills. He is determined. And that determination plays out in love and goodness. These are not angry or frustrated I wills. These are I wills founded in His desire for our best. These I wills bring good things into our lives; righteousness, justice, lovingkindness and mercy, faithfulness. And it ends in intimate relationship. You shall know the Lord.
This is my life verse. Because as much as I love Him I am fallible. As much as I love Him the motivation for that love was first prompted by His love for me. There is no way I can maintain a love with my Creator without His will to hold it in place. Without His desire to be with me, to love me, to pursue me, there would be no relationship, because I wouldn't be capable of maintaining it on my own. I am weak. I find such encouragement in knowing that He has determined that He will maintain that relationship with me and nothing can change that. I am thrilled that the outcome of His love is that I will truly know Him. That is all I want, to know Him.
God's love for us is unstoppable, unquenchable, miraculous. This is a love that knows every hair on our heads, that collects our tears in bottles, that has our names graven on His hands. This is a love that never quits, that follows us to the depths and back. A love passionately, desperately in love...with us! No other love story can equal. Every other story is a mere shadow of the real one.
And so I am back to being overwhelmed. I know that I am not worthy, I know that even if I were worthy I could never earn His love. And when I remember the depths from which I was raised and the heights to which He aspires to take me I am compelled to love the way I am loved, without reservation, without expectation and in total, wild abandonment with my heart wide open.
.
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