Letters to God #10

I can feel it. The slow draining of strength, like it is being pulled directly out of the blood in my veins. As if my heart beat grows weaker and fainter for the lack of it. Worst of all, I feel the ache of my heart. It actually hurts and the pain of it makes the breath in my chest grow shallow.

I miss You and it is all my own doing. It has been days, perhaps longer since I have spent time with You. Since I have rested in stillness and peace to hear Your voice.

You never leave, it is only me who puts the distance and time between us. And You are there every time I am ready to pursue you again, when I can fit You in between my selfish pursuits.

Why do I do this to myself? How can I forget for even a second how much I need You? Without You, I am nothing. It is as if Your Presence is my very breath, the life that sustains mine.  Yet, somehow I think I don't need that breath every day to live.  How quickly I forget, how slowly I learn.

Something in me yet resists Your lifeline. I don't know what it is or why I resist. I despise that resistance, the time I live apart from You thinking I can do it on my own. I mourn the loss of the time I waste. I want more and yet fear, selfishness and other dark things keep me from giving myself wholly and completely to You.

But the weakness in my veins, the lack of breath and ache in my heart remind me again of how much I need You. How much I love You. How much I crave Your love for me.

So I turn again and carve out the time which should already have been Yours. And soak up Your Presence like a rain parched desert.