Letters to God #25

Oh Lord God, what are you doing to me? You are pushing far beyond my comfort zone, far beyond my willingness to be challenged.


Lord, the people! How do you even stand us? Why don't you throw up Your hands and be done with this selfish, grasping, needy humanity.


Peter has been my bosom buddy this last couple of weeks. So eager to commit, so willing to act, so quick to respond. I felt a kindred spirit to this one that is willing to climb out of a boat, in the middle of a storm to walk on water when Jesus says, "Come." I consider what you asked of him, faith in the storm. And then You tell me that sometimes the storm is You. I am willing to follow Your call when You call me out in life's storms, but am I willing to step out of my comfort zone when You are the storm that prods me?


Twice in a week You have lead me to the conversation Jesus had with Peter, "Do you love me?" then "You will be led where you do not want to go on an agenda different than your own, follow Me". Perhaps only love is motivation enough to follow. The first thing You said to Peter was the last thing You said to Peter, "Follow Me."


That Follow Me has been digging deep, planting roots in my brain. Yes Lord, I love You. Yes, I want to follow You. But then I think, at what cost? Like Peter, I speak and commit without counting the cost. Perhaps that is best for us, because if we knew what it would cost us to love You we would have never have agreed. The cost, it is everything. The cost is all of ourselves, our dreams, our rights, our plans. I have not been pushed out of my comfort zone, I am being kicked.


And so, the tests and trials come. This time they are not of the world's making but Yours. You are challenging my boundaries of personal space, my death grip on how I want to manage my time, giving me the opportunity to develop patience with needy, demanding people and compassion for those who don't deserve it. It is a miserable experience and I feel anxiety and stress stirring up inside me, ready to claw me to bits. I want to scream! I pray every day for help with my attitude and each day it gets worse.


And yet, Jesus had His schedule and plans dictated by You. He had infinite patience with needy people who wanted Him to fix their circumstances, but had no desire to know Him. Jesus had compassion on the undeserving. Oh, to be like Him! So even though my flesh resists with all its' might, my spirit is willing to submit to this process. Because all I can hear lately is your invitation. Follow Me.