For My Dad

Father's Day is here again! What a great day. I won't bore you with my opinion on the lack of good fathers in today's world and the corresponding problems this lack causes, but I will share with you about a great one. Mine!

Where to start? My dad was my very first hero. I say first like I've had several but that isn't the case. My dad was my model for those I would later in life come to admire and respect. He was my measuring stick for everyone else. I was very blessed to have a dad who was present, involved and interested in my life. Memories of my younger years are peppered with times spent with my dad. What other little girl had a Dad who came to her school to pick her up for a lunch "date"? Who else had a Dad who treated her and talked to her as an individual and not just as his child? I remember nights spent listening to my Dad reading Bible stories before bedtime. Nights when I would sit on his lap and we would sit and enjoy a nice thunderstorm. Who else had a Dad who would rock her to sleep and make up silly songs for her? My Dad worked hard and many times late hours, but he was always at my piano and dance recitals, school plays or field days. I found my identity in those early years in my relationship with my Dad. I held my head high, believing I was capable of anything I chose simply because I was my Daddy's daughter. There was nobody who could make me feel less about myself, because I knew my Dad loved me. I even carried that into my high school years when I chose not to really date, because really, who could measure up to my Dad? And why would I want to date some teenage hormone driven guy, when I had a man at home who valued and respected me? And eventually I learned to transfer that source of identity, that anchor of my value and worth to my Heavenly Father. And like I did when I wrote about my mom recently I would like to share with you some of the things my Dad has taught me.

Work hard, Play hard
My dad was a great example of this. As I mentioned before, my Dad has always worked hard. I remember many times and still to this day he will work late into the night. It wasn't unusual to find him working in his office at 3 or 4 in the morning. When I was younger there were some times when he would pull all nighters at his office and we wouldn't see him for two or three days. But no one knows how to play like my dad. He works hard so that he has time to play. He made time to be present at our events. He would take us out for ice cream occasionally (which is a big deal when you have a mom who believes in eating healthy). Wednesday nights after church were always an exciting time, because many times he would stop at a gas station on the way home and buy us girls an ice cream bar or Clearly Canadian. He coached me and my sisters in our chosen sports. And my dad loved basketball! He tried to interest us all in playing with not much success until my youngest sister got old enough to play. Not only does my dad like to play, but he knows how to be playful. He loves telling jokes and no one laughs louder at his jokes than himself. He loves to tease and play pranks. My dad would sometimes turn on his old records (45's) and we would listen to him enjoy music from another time. He would howl along to "Little Red Riding Hood". My dad loved to tickle! And every now and then he would pretend to be a cat and try to lick our faces. It was so gross, but it made us giggle. One night I woke up at 2AM and noticed a light on in the living room. I walked out to see my Dad playing our Nintendo. He said that it was the only time he got to play since me and my sisters were always on it. He taught me that a good work ethic is important, but it is also important to enjoy life.

Travel
I must have gotten the travel bug from my Dad. He wasn't able to travel when he was young. But when my sisters and I were younger my Dad made it possible for us to see places he never had seen himself. We had "our places" that we would go once or twice a year with my mom's family. But he also took us all over the country. He would carry us out to the van at 3 or 4 in the morning (so he could get several hours on the road before we woke) and we would be off to North Carolina, Missouri or Florida. Of course most of the time we would have to make a stop at a mall wherever we landed, where my Dad would enter with a Newsweek in his back pocket, head for the food court and plant himself for a couple of hours. But we saw things I would read about in my school books. He took us to Canada when he had a business trip. Boston,The Bahamas, London and other parts of England. I saw history come alive at the White Cliffs of Dover, Boston Harbor, the Alamo etc. When I graduated high school my gift from my dad was to pick the family vacation that year, so off to Alaska we went. Travel opened the world to me.

Money
My dad was my first financial advisor. I was given a small allowance growing up (which I was supposed to earn by doing chores). With this money my dad taught me how the basics of finance. I had to budget. If I didn't have the money to buy something I wanted I had to save until I had what I needed. Immediately after receiving my allowance I was taught to pull out 10% for tithe at church and 10% to put into "savings". From this savings I bought Christmas gifts at the end of the year. When I got older my Dad went with me to open my first checking account, teaching me how to use and balance my check book. Later he helped me get a credit card, taught me when and how to use it, so that I could establish good credit. Almost everything I know about money I learned from my Dad. To this day I still only have one personal credit card which is only used for emergencies or if I can pay it off immediately. My dad also taught me the relationship between work and money. You don't work for money, but make money work for you. If you don't have the money you need then figure out how to earn it. Today I think I have a good relationship with money because of what my dad taught me. I choose to work in an environment I enjoy, even though I might make more somewhere else, because I like where I am at. I don't want to work 60-70 hours a week even if I was paid more if I don't have the time to enjoy life.

Responsibility
If I heard it once I was irritated by it a thousand times, "Do not justify yourself." Any and every time I offered an excuse I was met by this response. It was incredibly frustrating. I argued that I wasn't making excuses I was explaining. But there was no fooling my Dad. He forced me to take responsibility instead of passing blame. It was one of those "you'll thank me later" kind of things. But today I am thankful. Because we cannot change what we do not take responsiblity for. And today I know that when I refuse to make excuses and choose to find a solution I know that I am in a small percentage of people in this world who are capable of doing so.

Details Matter
Another thing I heard often from my dad was "show your work." This came out of the times my Dad worked with me on my math skills. Like most kids I would rush through the equation and arrive with an answer. My dad would check over my homework and ask how I came to that conclusion followed by a lecture on how we arrive at an answer is as important as the answer itself. Eventually this extended into other areas such as keeping records, taking notes, and not relying on someone else to take care of details. I can't tell you how many times I've been saved by this advice when I need a copy of a bank or credit statement. Or when I go back to my notes of a discussion over the phone and I have the name of the person I've spoken with to back up my argument. It has also taught me that just because something is small or minor doesn't necessarily make it unimportant.

These are just a few of the things that have made me a better person, because my Dad was there to teach me. But the greatest thing about my Dad is that he was present and active in my life and made sure I knew that I was loved. That set my foundations for life and has made all the difference. I would be a lesser person for sure without him. So thanks, Dad.

In Honor of Mom

Mother's Day is here again and so I thought I would take some time to remember why it is so wonderful to have a mom and why it so much more wonderful to have my mom. I really won the mom lottery. Or maybe God just really really loved me so He gifted me with my mom. However it came about I am so very thankful. I have been very blessed in my life with great people. God has given me great friends and surrounded me with loving family members, but of all the people who have shaped and influenced my life my parents are at the top. And nobody, absolutely no one loves me more than my mom does. The older I get and the more I learn, the more I appreciate and understand my mother. And so again, I take the time to remember the things my mom has taught me:

Forgiveness:
 If my dad taught me not to make excuses or to justify myself, my mom taught me how to forgive. I can't remember how many times I came home from a rough day at school, upset and/or frustrated with a friend. Yet my mom always pointed the way for me to let go of whatever perceived slight I endured or whatever grudge I might want to hold and urged me to forgive. She encouraged me to pray for those who hurt me. She taught me that you injure yourself more by refusing to forgive. It's a hard lesson that I am still learing and will probably always have cause to practice, but my mom gave me a good head start to keeping my heart pure towards others. Not only did she teach it but she lived it out by example.

Sensitivity:
 I am not naturally sensitive to others feelings by nature. Not only am I selfish in seeing my own wants and needs, but I also have lacked the desire to even understand and have compassion for others. I'm more like my dad, bull in a china shop, open mouth insert foot and if someone gets offended well, that is their problem.  Living with my mom gave me good practice in being sensitive to those around me. My mom (and my sister too) are naturally sensitive and empathetic to others. They feel things more deeply and are more easily hurt, less likely to stand up to those who run over them. If not for my mom teaching me to be aware of those around me, to be sensitive to the words I use and to consider others first I might have left a wake of hurting angry people behind me. As it is, I am at least aware, making conscious effort to be less selfish. My mom taught me the words, "You may be right, I could be wrong" and "I'm sorry". My mom taught me that being right doesn't necessarily mean you win, and that being right doesn't give you the right to trod over others.

Family:
There is not much more rewarding in life than family. My mom has sown her life into creating a safe haven called family. No matter what else was going on outside the doors of home, once you were home you were safe and loved. Of course no family is perfect, but if it was would we ever really grow? I grew up in a home where we were encouraged to be ourselves, where we laughed and played  where memories were created and treasured. I grew up not only with the safe harbor of my parents and sisters surrounding me but an even larger circle of aunts, uncles and cousins who were as much a part of my life as the sun. Everyone with their own unique personality and yet everyone accepted just as they are. Everyone willing to pitch in and help the others, giving of themselves, just happy to be together. My mom helped give that to me and it is one of my favorite gifts.

Cooking:
My mom taught, okay tried to teach me the basics of cooking. I didn't really enjoy learning, but I sure appreciated it once I was out on my own. Some of my favorite recipes to this day are my mom's; her spaghetti, potato soup, lasagna...yum. Also, I have some good memories of working in the kitchen helping to snap green beans, form meat balls, rolling dough in cinnamon and sugar for monkey bread. This is one of those, "you'll thank me when you are older" things and boy was she right.

Nature:
My mom passed on a love of nature to me. I didn't realize it was happening until it was too late and I had already been brain-washed ; ) My mom would point out the beauty in the world around us, " Girls! Look at those beautiful trees." "Girls, look at those gorgeous flowers" "Isn't it a beautiful day." We would just roll our eyes and go back to whatever she had interrupted, but now I find myself doing the exact same thing to my husband. I first learned to love spring, because my mom would open up the windows in our house and let the fresh breezes blow through the house. There is not a better smell on earth than spring breezes after winter is over.

Manners:
Thanks to my mom I have a little more grace than I would have otherwise. Actually, I feel confident that in any given situation I will know how to proceed. "Hold your head up like you own the room and people will believe it." I've learned that manners are really just an act of thoughtfulness to others. A hand-written thank you note, a hostess gift, offering to pitch in and help, how to set a table properly, how to give and accept compliments graciously, what a proper cleaning REALLY looks like, that trimmed nails, a subtle perfume and a little lipstick can work wonders for how you feel about yourself and how others perceive you, that you only get one first impression so make it a good one and on it goes. I think my mom would be a great asset for Miss Manners when she writes her next book.

God:
Pretty much anything of any vaule that I've learned about God I've learned from and because of my mom. It is because of her that I have a relationship with Jesus, because she lived the example. She saturated us with it. I can't remember a time in my life that God was not the center of hers. These are among my most vivid memories. My mom taught me how to pray, how to stop and listen for God to speak, the importance of knowing the word of God and that true Christianity is found in relationship not in rules and religion. I watched my mom closely growing up, she would work in the kitchen while listening to teaching tapes, she would clean while listening to praise and worship, she prayed while she worked. Her first response was prayer. I knew that if I was sick I could ask her to pray for me and God would hear her. In fact sometimes I had more faith in her prayers than in God. My mom kept our house covered in God's grace because of her faithfulness.

These are just a very few of the things my mom has taught me. I'm so thankful for her influence and presence in my life. I"m so thankful that not only is my mom my mother but she is also my friend.
Happy Mothers Day!

Letter to a Friend

To one I care about,

This little letter is to officially inform you that I am finished. I am finished trying to reach out to you in an effort to maintain and further develop our relationship. I don’t know if you don’t really care or if you just aren’t aware that I have made many efforts, but you have proven many times over that it is effort wasted. We have known each other for many years, and I have no doubt that no matter what happens in the future you will continue to be a part of my life and someone I will still care about, but if we are to continue to have any kind of relationship it will be up to you.

I don’t say this to you in malice. In fact I do care about you and would love to continue being your friend. I’ve just found it upsets me too much. Over the years I have called you, I have tried to make plans with you, to spend time with you. And although we have spent time together it has only been at your convenience. So many times you have rushed off or canceled on me when something better came up. Not to mention that when we do talk or spend time together it always all about you. Except when you decide to tell me how to live my life, what choices to make and to correct me when you think I’m wrong. This angers me because you have not earned that right. You have not invested the time into our relationship, the sympathetic ear, the shoulder to cry on, or the heart that shares both the joy and the pain to have an opinion on my life. I also find it ironic that even though we spend alot of time talking about your life, it is rarely the stuff that really matters. You have no problem sharing the surface-y stuff, but it is a rare occurrence when you share your heart. Maybe you don’t trust me enough or maybe it is just difficult for you to share your heart with anyone. Whatever the case, I’ve always been willing to be there for you.

Another reason I find it hard to maintain the effort to be your friend? I am jealous of you. There, I said it and it no fault of yours and all my own weakness. You are living your life and doing and seeing things that I wish I could do and see. That I am not doing and seeing those things is due to choices I made for my life that I would make again if I could, but that does not make it any easier for me not to be jealous of you. I want to have my cake and eat it too : )

All that to say, I care about you, but I just can’t do this anymore. The lack of value you give our relationship really hurts me. And every time I try to call or make plans with you  it is further reinforced and reminds me that you are not in a place in your life right now where you value our relationship the same as I do. I know that this is not intentional on your part, but every instance further wounds and upsets me and I am not capable of dealing with it anymore. So please, don’t get upset (if you even notice, I’ve quit trying).  If you realize in  the future that our relationship means something to you and you want to re-establish it then I am willing. But for now....
Goodbye.

Sincerely,
Me