Letters to God #2

Well, I suppose You heard me say it. I know You already knew what I was thinking. But I said it. Out loud. So that I could hear it. And everyone else heard me say it too.

Sometimes following You makes me feel like a "donkey chasing after a carrot." Inside I was seething. I heard You tell us all to seek You, to follow after You with our whole hearts. And this command coming after You gave me a picture of how You love me. And another picture of me soaring, flying. A picture of freedom. Then I plummeted back down to earth with the reminder to seek you with my whole heart. I sat there with my insides roiling and my heart hurting. I sat there feeling frustrated. When is it enough? When is it ever enough? Will I never measure up? I felt condemned. I am trying. I am doing my best to go after you with all of my heart. I am doing everything I know to do. And what I don't know, I am asking for You to fill in. I. Am. Trying. And I am exhausted.

Why do I constantly fall short? Like now matter how much I try and even how much I grow, I'm never any closer to attaining.

And where are You? It seems as if You have been rather silent lately. I am doing my best to learn, to grow, to love, to obey, to please. I know my efforts aren't enough. But then You ask for more. More?? But I'm exhausted. I have nothing left to give You. Nothing left to give anyone. I am stripped. And still I follow. Still I chase that carrot. That carrot of promises You have given us, that carrot of things I know You have personally told me. That carrot of promised rest, promised victory, promised end to troubles, promised freedom from the things that weigh me down. Do you know what? I don't even like carrots! Maybe if you dangled some ice cream in front of me I would be more motivated, maybe I would catch a second wind. Also, in this analogy, I am a donkey. I suppose that makes me an ass. And sometimes I feel like I am.
I have questions. I need help. You and I both know that I can't do any of this on my own. You and I both know how weak I am. You and I both know the ugliness and darkness just waiting to stage a coup and take me over.

I don't like this picture I've been forming of You lately. This isn't the God I've always known. This isn't the God You claim to be. I know that You aren't capricious, playing games with me, changing Your mind or Your plan on a whim. I know that You aren't silent, that You don't set me up to fail. Yet this is how I've been thinking about You lately. It could just be that I am projecting. Putting my personal experiences from my relationships with people I love who claimed to love me onto You. Just because they weren't reliable and dependable doesn't mean You aren't. Just because they let me down, even betrayed me doesn't mean You will. Just because they didn't keep their promises doesn't mean You won't. Just because they didn't meet my need to be known and love doesn't mean You can't. So then, where are You? When will Your promises, Your word come true, be true? Why can't I hear You?

How long, God? You gave me hope. But that hope has dwindled the longer I wait. It would be a cruel God who made promises, who birthed hope, and then didn't follow through. You said hope deferred makes the heart sick. Well, my heart is getting sick. The longer I wait, the harder it is to believe. The harder I try to get close to You, the further away I feel. One foot in front of another. Onward Christian soldier. I feel as if I've never been further from You in my life. Don't You know I need You? Don't You know without You I am nothing? Don't You know that the only goodness in me is You?

I know the standard answers. But those answers aren't working for me right now. I realize I don't really have the answers. But You do. So again I ask. When will these promises be fulfilled? How long will it take? Why can't I hear You? What is my purpose? Who am I? Who are You? Will I ever get there? Can You please help me? Please?